


Community Living

by snack_size



Series: A Girl and Her Taser [4]
Category: Marvel Avengers Movies Universe, The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Clint steals a puppy, Community Living, Crack, Darcy is the Avengers Assistant, F/M, Gen, House Meetings, Learning to Compromise, M/M, Rampant Id-Fic, Trolling, What Would Phil Coulson Do?, the Warriors Three Meet the Avengers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-16
Updated: 2013-01-12
Packaged: 2017-11-10 02:58:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 25,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/461490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snack_size/pseuds/snack_size
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Later, much later - after relative calm and some form of normality, if you squinted, returned to Avengers Tower - Darcy would admit to Jane, over coffee, that everything might have happened because she had become complacent. “I mean...Pepper said it was the most important part of the job. Making sure they didn’t kill themselves - and each other. I took notes!” She showed Jane the appropriate entry in her moleskin, because she was feeling contrite. Just not contrite enough to admit any of this to whoever her actual boss was, in the hopes that they would just blame it on all of the maladjusted, wayward super heroes and be done with further inquiry into the issues of culpability.</i>
</p><p>After successfully getting Bruce and Tony together and finding herself dating Steve, Darcy fails to recognize that the Avenger Mansion's honeymoon period is over. </p><p>All she can do is try and figure out What Would Phil Coulson Do?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This may look familiar - I've cannibalized [this fill](http://avengerkink.livejournal.com/5102.html?thread=4891374#t4891374) from the Avengers kinkmeme and made it part of this verse.

Later, much later - after relative calm and some form of normality, if you squinted, returned to Avengers Tower - Darcy would admit to Jane, over coffee, that everything might have happened because she had become complacent. “I mean...Pepper said it was the most important part of the job. Making sure they didn’t kill themselves - and each other. I took notes!” She showed Jane the appropriate entry in her moleskin, because she was feeling contrite. Just not contrite enough to admit any of this to whoever her actual boss was, in the hopes that they would just blame it on all of the maladjusted, wayward super heroes and be done with further inquiry into the issues of culpability.

“Well...to be fair...” Jane murmured, a wicked look in her eye. “You had a really good reason to be...distracted.” Her eyes widened at the last word, and Darcy had to look off to the side. “I mean...anyone else, they would have been, too. Remember when Thor first-”

“I know we’re having girl talk, here, Jane, but I don’t need to be reminded about when Thor came to visit you in New Mexico after everything through your own version of events _because I heard every damn thing_ -” 

Jane pouted. “But, isn’t this how it works, girl talk, and you’re going to tell me about-”

“Well, yes, but, the important distinction is that Stark Tower has soundproofing, and actual walls in most places, and you only caught me with his hands down his pants that one time in the kitchen instead of hearing every damn thing,” Darcy said.

Jane giggled. “Steve still can’t make eye contact with me,” she said. “Poor little lamb.” 

“And I wasn’t even touching his - I just wanted a better feel of his ass, to start the day!” Darcy sighed. “He has such a nice ass.”

“See, how you went all glassy-eyed there? Everyone does, when faced with Steve’s ass. Even Thor proclaimed it, well, something Thor-ish, about it being as spherical as any god could hope for or something-” Darcy nodded. _It is,_ she thought, and Jane seemed to understand her nod and blushed. 

“It’s just...things got a little out of hand,” Darcy said. “And it really was my job.” 

“I know,” Jane said. She took Darcy’s hand and pat it. “But, you know, I think once you realized the situation had got out of hand, you did a...well, it got handled, right?” 

“Do you think Coulson’s super powers come from watching Super Nanny and other similar reality TV show fare or...is he just skilled at managing ridiculous human beings?” 

Jane pressed her lips together. “That’s a good question-”

“Because I think, part of the reason I got the job, is because they thought I had these skills - I mean, with-”

“It’s OK, Darcy,” Jane said. “I know I’m not the...most normal scientist.” 

“Are there normal scientists?” Darcy asked. “Because, based on-” 

“Oh, yes, but they’re very boring and they write papers on how they discovered some gene in fungi that - which is to say, hmmm. What was I saying?” 

“About my skills. Dealing with the ridiculous.” 

“Well, it’s like any job! You can’t be perfect from the start - you have to learn...I mean, look at Thor? He got banished to earth and couldn’t lift his hammer-”

Darcy shook her head. “We’ve talked about that.”

“Look, I can’t help you have a dirty mind and seem to always equate Thor’s hammer with-”

“It’s not just me, Jane,” Darcy said. 

“I see,” Jane said. “So you weren’t the one who changed his phone ring tone to _the hammer is my penis?*_ ”

“It could have been anyone, at the rate things had degraded to by that point,” Darcy said. She was fairly certain that it was Clint, but she wasn’t going to reveal that now that peace, harmony, rainbows, puppies and other assorted adorable things had descended on the tower.

“True,” Jane said. She glanced at her watch. “Oh! I should get back, I’m supposed to be-” She glanced down at the floor, “uhm, doing mature and responsible adult things in the lab with Bruce and Tony and-”

“Jane...it’s OK. As long as it doesn’t violate #5(a) and (b).” 

“Oh, well, no. It’s in the lab,” Jane said.

“So, we’re cool, then,” Darcy said, and she smiled and picked up her cup of coffee. 

* * * 

It started with a shout, which then transitioned to the kind of low, keening wail that Darcy associated with movies or television programs featuring melodramatic widows at funerals, and then bottomed out to a sad, indignant, “But, why?” There was a muffled response, and it was followed by a louder, “But, why? Steve! Why?” 

Darcy winced, slightly - she had been on her way to the kitchen to get some coffee before she started work that morning and apparently the room had somehow been compromised. By her boyfriend. _Oh, that’s right, for those keeping track at home,_ she thought, smiling broadly. _My boyfriend, one Captain Steve Rogers, who has-_

“What did you do to the coffee maker?” She asked, when she entered the room and saw the steaming, hissing. milk foaming wreck.

Steve turned. He had been backing away with his arms up and palms facing Tony when Darcy entered the kitchen. He gave her a sheepish smile. “Well, I ugh, just wanted some coffee, after-”

Tony pointed to the coffee machine with the empty mug he had in his hands and then pointed at Steve. “He killed it!” 

Darcy winced - she knew she was probably supposed to take Steve’s side on this, except - coffee. And, also, what did he really need it for? You’d think, if he couldn’t get drunk, his metabolism would chew caffeine up and spit it out too and besides, he’d got up two hours earlier to go and hit the gym. Darcy knew this, because she had been there.

 _I feel bad,_ she said into her pillow. She didn’t, but she knew she was supposed to act like she did. _I should be getting up-_

 _No, no, no,_ Steve said, and he pushed some hair out of her face and kissed her cheek. He was entirely too awake in the morning, and while it might have been a little annoying it was generally counteracted by the fact that he was also entirely too adorable in the morning and was generally emerging from either his bed, or her bed, naked. _It’s just, you know, I’m used to training in the morning and you don’t have work until nine...just think, like, if we worked different schedules!_

 _Cool, cool, cool,_ Darcy muttered, and had pulled another blanket over her head while leaving enough space to peer out and watch as Steve bent over to tie his shoes.

“It just looks a little broke?” Darcy said. Tony looked like he was about one stage of grieving away from frothing at the mouth and needing to get a bunch of shots in the ass. 

“JARVIS could have made it for you!” Tony said. “And what do you need caffeine for anyway, with your-”

He was interrupted by Bruce. “Ugh, I don’t think those are calibrated for Tony.” 

Darcy and Steve both turned to the door, where Clint was standing with his head cocked and his hand reaching for the bow and arrow he had slung over his back - he must have just come from the archery range. Bruce was further back, pressed against the hallway wall. 

“You were going to shoot me with a Hulk arrow?” Tony asked. Clint nodded. “Captain Purity Ring broke my - _the_ \- coffee machine!”

“Well, it’s very compl- wait, what?” Steve asked, and Darcy looked down and blushed.

“Oh. Huh,” Tony said, and as Darcy prepared herself for the embarrassment that was about to come, she told herself it was for the greater good. It was a distraction. “Captain, that’s moving quite quickly - or did you two elope to Vegas and I didn’t-”

“You know,” Natasha said, appearing between Bruce and Clint, “I bet if we submitted the right paperwork we could get Stark calibrated tranquilizers.” 

Darcy took the opportunity to look at Steve, who was, at least, a slightly brighter shade of red than she was. Then she looked over at Natasha, who gave her a very slight smile. It wasn’t that she expected to have one hundred per cent privacy, with all of the Avengers and Coulson and Jane living in the Tower, but she had hoped that the fact that she and Steve had been sleeping together for a week wouldn’t be something that was first revealed via community discussion.

“I see this is nothing I need be involved in,” Thor said, likely headed in to eat his morning carton of eggs. He wisely attempted to move around the crowd.

“Oh, yes it is!” Tony said. “You like coffee, don’t you, big guy? Well, there’s no more coffee, because Steve broke the machine-”

“It’s more complicated to operate than half your lab equipment!” Steve said. Darcy edged her way towards the counter and, hopefully, eventually, towards the hallway - where she would, at least, not be in danger of getting hit by an errant tranquilizing arrow.

“That is because coffee is important!” Tony said. “But, no, let’s all absolve Captain America of responsibility because back in his day he had to trek seven miles up hill to harvest the coffee beans and then grind them underfoot while simultaneously working the butter press-”

“What are you even talking about? Is that supposed to be a Depression joke?” Steve asked.

Darcy made it to the hallway, then, and was able to catch Natasha and Clint trying to determine the odds of the various types of bodily harm Tony might try and inflict on Steve. “5:1 he throws the coffee mug in his face,” Clint said.

“2:15 he tries to kick him in the shin, only to hurt himself since he’s still in his slippers,” Natasha replied. 

“Yes!” Tony said, at the same time. “I would be making much better...sense, and quips, and just dialogue in general _except I haven’t been able to have my cup of coffee this morning-_ ”

Darcy heard a deep, aggrieved sigh and turned to see Bruce face palming. Thor nodded sagely at him and then smiled at Darcy. 

Darcy knew, then, that she was in some way fucked, because she could basically see the lightbulb go off above Thor’s head - or whatever the Asgardian equivalent was.

“Darcy! As you are serving us in the capacity of assistant, is it not part of your duties to aid in the diffusing of conflict?” Thor said.

Darcy pursed her lips as all of the Avengers turned to look at her. “Ugh...Coulson?” 

“He’s getting an MRI,” Natasha said, and one of those feral smiles was creeping up her face. “I just got back from taking him.” 

“I see,” Darcy said, and swallowed as she met Steve’s wide eyes and then Tony’s equally wide eyes - though his pupils appeared to be different sizes, which was, if her memories of college served her correctly, in no way good.

Nothing had prepared her for this - even though Thor was right, this had been part of what her duties were. Pepper had initially outlined it, and Coulson had confirmed it. She was basically the nineteen year-old cabin counselor who had to try and diffuse the ridiculous argument the eleven year-olds got in before reporting it to the real adult in charge of their age group. Worse, she realized, as all six Avengers stared at her, she should have seen this coming - tensions had been rising because apparently saving the world from an alien army and then all deciding to move in together had a honeymoon period, too. She should be prepared for this, except she had been spending her time thinking about and/or fucking, so...

 _Fuck,_ she thought, and admonished herself to think quickly - to think _what would Phil Coulson do?_ She felt a pit in her stomach, and all she could remember was the talk she had with Coulson a few evenings ago about where he had learned how to effectively manage people.  
 _You would be amazed,_ he said, _how much you can learn from Super Nanny._

“Ook,” she said, “obviously, ugh, there’s a little issue, here-”

“You think?” Tony asked.

“And, uhm, there have been some others, you know, recently, so, I think-”

“Oh, no, don’t you dare say it-” Clint interrupted.

“We should all sit down in the living room and have a house meeting,” Darcy finished. It was Clint’s turn to emit a funeral-worthy wailing sound.

“Without coffee?” Tony asked.

“Ugh...” Darcy began. “That can’t be the only coffee maker.”

“I want a caramel machiatto,” Tony said.

“Right,” Darcy said - here was something Phil Coulson did not have to do, which was reconcile his peace-keeping function with his coffee-fetching function. Although - none of them were going to do anything without coffee, right? Except Bruce, but he was nice enough he would listen regardless. “Soo...how about, all of you go and sit in the living room and pinky-swear not to kill one another and I’ll go get some coffee.” 

“I shall help! After all, you have very small hands,” Thor said. Steve narrowed his eyes at him, but Darcy just shook her head. It would not do for their to be suspicions of her colluding with Steve - she already had to deal with the eventual acquisitions of favoritism. 

Clint raised his hand. “Yes?” 

“Can there be donuts too?” he asked.

“Ugh, sure,” Darcy said. 

“Wait, that means she has to go to Dunkin’ Donuts and they don’t have the drink I want-”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake, Stark,” said Natasha. “They’re downstairs and across the street from each other.”

* * *

“Right,” Darcy said, when she returned, carrying a galloon of coffee from Dunkin Donuts - for the purists - along with special orders, while Thor balanced three boxes of donuts and the cream, sugar, and other sundry items that came with the coffee in his hands. “So, if memory serves, only one person can speak at a time and! In order to speak, you have to have, the, ugh-” She glanced around, trying to find something useful, “Mens Health magazine. Ew, really?” 

“I purchased it for Steve, as he is mentioned on the cover!” Thor said, and Darcy glanced down at the magazine. _The Ultimate Work-Out - Get Captain America’s Body!_ it promised. Darcy glanced over Steve and smiled, slightly. _Good luck,_ she thought.

“OK, so, you can only speak with the Wanky Man’s Magazine in your hand, OK? And we’ll pass it like a baton. Uhm, I guess we’ll start with the aggrieved-”

“Thank you, Ms. Lewis,” Tony said - he had drank half of his sugary Starbucks beverage and poured some of the Dunkin coffee on top of it. “So, I would just like to point out that Bruce and I were doing just fine until all you rabble moved in.” 

“What does that have to do with-” Steve began.

Clint interrupted. “Bruce drinks teas.” 

“Which is why I don’t need to be brought into this,” Bruce said. He had a sympathetic hand on Tony’s shoulder and appeared to be debating whether it would be in poor form to say that he was going to have to sit this one out unless they all wanted to argue the finer points of roommate etiquette with the Hulk. 

“No worries,” Clint said, understanding Bruce’s ploy, and Clint glanced over his shoulder to the quiver he still had. Bruce sighed.

“Did either of you have the magazine?” Darcy asked. Both glowered at her. “Tony, hand the magazine to Steve.”

Tony looked away from Steve’s face as he handed him the magazine. “You invited us to live with you,” Steve said, and before he could continue, Tony reached forward and took the magazine from his hand.

“Which is why you shouldn’t be fucking with the coffee machine!” Tony said.

Darcy sighed. “We’re trying to brainstorm solutions-”

“You don’t have the magazine,” Tony said.

“I’m the moderator.” 

“Who died and put you in charge?” Tony demanded.

“You’re paying me to be,” Darcy replied and, unable to refute this, Tony crossed his arms but kept a firm grip on the magazine. “Look, I’m sure Steve didn’t mean to break the machine and, ugh, I used to work in Starbucks and even I-” Tony’s glance was lethal, so Darcy closed her eyes for a moment. _What Would Phil Coulson do?_ she repeated. As a side project, she really should make bracelets and sell them at the SHIELD uniform supply store. “I think,” she said. “We need a compromise everyone can agree with. Officially.” 

Clint raised his hand, and Darcy nodded at Tony. He rolled his eyes and passed Clint the magazine. “What makes a compromise official, Ms. Lewis?” 

“We’ll put it on a marker board,” Darcy said, and she smiled broadly. “In the kitchen. We can list all of the compromises on it.” 

All of the Avengers looked at her, either confused - Steve, Thor - or amused - Natasha, Clint, Bruce - or still full of uncomprehending anger. Then Bruce sighed, and Clint handed him the magazine. “It’s not that hard, really. I’m sure we can all agree that, ugh, no one should touch Tony’s coffee machine except Tony. We can get a much easier - er, dumbed down - one for the rest of us mere mortals to use.” 

_Huh,_ Darcy thought. _That wasn’t hard at all._ “Does everyone agree with that? Thor?” Thor patiently waited until he had the magazine.

“I disagree with the use of the term mere mortals, given that-”

“How about,” Darcy said, taking another sip of her caffeine - even though, at tis point, it was going to do little for her oncoming headache, “for everyone else _but_ Tony?”

“That is acceptable,” Thor said.

And so it began, with _Official Avenger’s Tower Compromise #1: No one is allowed to use the coffee machine by the refrigerator except for Tony Stark, all others are consigned to the Sunbeam on the counter._ Darcy wrote it in her neatest handwriting on the largest whiteboard she could find in the Tri-State area - she had never been an optimist.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *"The Hammer is my penis," from Dr. Horrible's Sing-a-long Blog.


	2. Chapter 2

“Ms. Lewis,” Coulson said, and she jumped a little bit in the chair she was seated at in the living room. “I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s fine,” Darcy said, pulling the lid of her laptop shut and smiling at him. He had finally convinced Clint and/or Natasha to release the lock on his wheelchair, no doubt by making promises about how he wouldn’t overwork himself. 

Coulson rolled closer to her and quirked an eyebrow. “A house meeting?” he asked. “A house roles board?” 

“Well...” Darcy said. “Yeah. Apparently that coffee machine is like, Tony’s child or little brother or something...” she shrugged and hoped to look apologetic, if she was about be criticized, or like she had just done what she could, if she was about to be complemented. Coulson just stared at her. “Ugh...like...” 

“I’m aware of your inspiration source,” Coulson said. “It’s an interesting tactic.” 

“I suppose so,” Darcy said. “But! They teach it in kindergarten, right - or I’m sure there’s a Sesame Street thing about it, you know, Bruce Willis teaches us all about how C stands for compromise? and-”

“It’s all right, Ms. Lewis,” Coulson said, and finally gave her a slight smile. “It’s an interesting tactic because it presumes that there will be more compromises to come.” 

“Well, of course there will be,” Darcy said.

“The system itself wouldn’t work without it,” Coulson said. “WIth only one compromise, there’s no incentive. But once each person has a compromise they, themselves, are invested in, then a mutuality principle sets in. They won’t use Tony’s coffee machine because they want to ensure that he doesn’t...violate their own, hard won compromise.” 

Darcy had really not put that much thought into it, but it made perfect sense. “Yeah,” she said. “Uhm, that is how it works.”

“As an organizing principle,” Coulson said.

“Did you study political theory?” she replied.

“At West Point,” Coulson replied. He gave her a slight smile, which was either being used ironically or to indicate affection. “I’m not sure if I would have done the same...we’ll see how it turns out.” Then he put his hands on the wheels of the chair and rolled off.

“You don’t need anything this afternoon, do you, Agent Coulson?” Darcy called after him.

“No, thank you,” he replied. _Sweet,_ she thought, and reached for her phone. 

_So, I’m done early,_ she typed quickly, and hit send. She opened her laptop again to finish the week’s grocery order, and frowned when a distinctly sex-moan-like sound came from her phone. 

She glanced around - one never knew when Clint was lurking in the air ducts or other tight, high places and he was more than likely the person who had done this. He was the only person with both the requisite stealth and technical knowledge. Well, Coulson, too, provided that the floors hand’t recently been done. But she liked to think, at least, that Coulson was a little more sophisticated than a porn moan.

Darcy just rolled her eyes. _Great!_ Steve wrote back. _Promised Thor to spar but see you 3:30?_ She typed back, indicating that this was fine, and then squinted at the screen. 

Each resident of the Tower was charged with sending her a list of their preferred groceries for the week. _No need to include basics - I promise to always order toilet paper!_ she wrote in her e-mail - and of course none of them could do something as simple as request vanilla ice cream or Italian salad dressing. Each had a particular brand, and while Clint liked to use parentheticals - “(do they sell that in this part of the country?)” - while Bruce had a preference for footnotes - “if you can’t get galangal, then ginger will suffice.”

She glanced back at the phone and inhaled, then exhaled. It could be a lot worse. 

* * *

“Don’t ask what I did today,” she said at 3:30, when Steve turned up, completely punctual as usual, in the living room. She had to smile at how his hair was still wet from his post spar shower - and if the image of him and Thor, post work-out, in the shower, wasn’t enough to get you going then you probably didn’t have a pulse. “It was very boring.”

“I’m not even sure if I have a job,” he replied.

“You’re Captain America,” she said, furrowing her brow and curling into him. 

“That’s a role,” he replied.

“Do you get paid?” she asked. He considered this for a moment, and then nodded. “It counts...” Not wanting to debate this further, she licked a strip behind his ear and paused for the accompanying shiver. She liked this, how he was still new and shiny, but how she had also managed to figure out some important and relevant details. Like the little moan he made when she took his earlobe into her mouth and sucked on it.

“Oh, fuck, Darcy,” he said. She rubbed a nipple through his t-shirt, and he looked around, slightly panicked. “In the lounge?” 

“Scientists are doing science, assassins are assassining, Thor’s...I don’t know what he does in his spare time, actually, let’s say Thorring... so, yes, in the lounge.” 

“Uhm-” Steve said, but she put a hand on his cock and he ceased objecting. She kissed him, mouth working softly against his, and crawled into his lap. Steve put his hands on her waist and traced them down, settled them on her hips. Darcy grinned as she continued to kiss him, then moved to his neck.

Steve thrust his hips upwards into her and there it was - she had to stop herself, because nicknames for his cock were almost too easy, especially since super-soldier serum apparently gave you super-sex abilities. 

She moved a hand between them and pulled his sweat pants down to get better contact. Steve was moaning into the kiss, now, and squeezing at her hip. She felt momentarily self-conscious and once again had to reorientate herself in the moment. She cupped his erection and then put her hands on either side of his boxer briefs.

The movement should have been a little more smooth than it was. She wanted to get out of his lap and down on her knees while simultaneously pulling the briefs down. She managed, at least, to get sort of on her knees. She wondered if Natasha would give her lessons - though, there really wasn’t a good way to approach that, was there?

That little aside probably saved them from serious embarrassment and a relationship where she would never, ever be able to get Steve to engage in a sex act with her outside of their bedroom ever, ever again.

A nerf arrow hit the coffee table right next to Darcy. “What the..?” Steve asked, and then his face crumpled with abject consternation.

Darcy leaned over and read the note on the paper attached to the arrow - _and I’ll be in my bunk._ *

“What does that even mean?” Steve asked, looking up towards the air vent where the arrow had no doubt been shot from. “I mean, I get, he was watching - but-”

Darcy inhaled, because she had promised herself that she would fill Steve in on anything like this. Otherwise, he would go to someone who might not give him the right answer, and no good came from that. “Well...you know, bunk, right? Where you sleep - you were a soldier, so-”

“Oh,” Steve said, and he reddened. Then he grabbed for his sweat pants and hastily pulled them up over his briefs. Darcy cast her eyes down at his groin, pleased to see that his erection hadn’t entirely abated.

“Bedroom?” she said, keeping her voice low, soft, and a little husky. She raised her eyebrows in the direction of his cock.

“Yeah,” he said, and he glanced at the nerf arrow and the note and frowned.

* * *

“Uhm,” Steve said, as they sat down to dinner that evening - it was Tony’s night to cook, so take-out had been delivered from a local Indian restaurant. “Everyone? Darcy has something she wants to...add to the board.” 

Darcy resisted the urge to stick her tongue out at him. She hadn’t really been bothered - they’d been alerted before anything really salacious had happened - but Steve didn’t want to have to be involved in a second incident for the day, and she understood. 

Tony made a grumbling noise and glanced in the direction of the empty counter space where his coffee machine used to sit - he and Bruce and Jane had apparently been working on it all day. 

“I have a question about this board,” Thor said, and Darcy couldn’t help but meet Coulson’s eyes.

“Yes?” she said. 

“Are we creating laws unto which we must all submit?” 

“Uhm...” Darcy said, thinking back to Coulson’s talk earlier. “No - more like things that, out of common courtesy, we want to follow. Writing it up there is just a, ugh, friendly reminder.” 

“I see,” Thor said, and Jane beamed at him. “Then please elaborate what indecency you have suffered today.” Darcy narrowed her eyes, wondering if Jane had told him - if it had all been a set-up, and if Thor was laughing on the inside. She wouldn’t put it past him. She imagined that, with a brother like Loki, playing dumb was probably a really effective coping mechanism. 

“Well, hmmmm...” Darcy said. “It’s just, you know, some people on this team are trained as spies, and/or don’t wear real footwear-” she glanced over at Bruce, who shrugged his shoulders, “-not that I’m judging-”

“No, judge, please,” Tony said. “Crocs are made out of the tears of sweat-shop children.” 

“They’re from Canada,” Bruce said. 

“OK, well, then think of that more as a metaphor for how terrible they are-”

“Uhm, guys?” Darcy said. “Great, thanks. Anyway, so, spies and Crocs and other things that make it difficult for people to hear you entering a room-” Clint was grinning at her and wiggling his eye brows, and it was a little bit much. She had to inhale, and remind herself that she was doing this in her professional capacity, and she needed to have it together, since there was no way she was going to get out of describing exactly what had spurned her concern. “So, if you plan on saying in that room or watching them - for whatever reason - you should let them know. Because it’s creepy.” 

Everyone looked at her, and she smiled back - it was a beauty pageant smile, plastic and plastered to her face. _You. Will. Not. Break,_ she repeated in her head, and then realized it was fruitless, because Steve was sort of tomato colored and looking down at his Naan bread.

“Oh, man, please, please tell me where you two crazy kids were getting it on so I can have that cleaned-” Tony began.

“Would you like a list of each public surface that all of us have used for our copulation?” Thor asked, and, _fuck,_ Darcy thought, _Thor is pretty much perfect._ Steve was able to exhale and it was Jane’s turn to go an unhealthy shade of red.

“List?” Tony asked.

“It would be a list, would it not? If it has several items on it?”

Clint shook his head at Natasha, and Darcy could only conclude that he was admitting that he hadn’t caught the two of them in the act.

“Please tell me that none of these places were in the kitchen-” Bruce began.

“Do you need the Heimlich, Agent?” Tony asked, and Steve immediately stood when they realized Coulson looked like he was choking. He shook his head, a clear no, and took a sip of some of his water.

“No, that’s fine, thank you for your concern Captain,” Coulson said.

“Well, that’s a relief,” Tony said. “Wouldn’t have done for you to survive the spear of destiny and then get killed by a - what is _that_ , anyway?” 

“Eggplant,” Coulson said.

“Gross,” said Tony. “Also, Thor - yes, please, but just give it to Darcy, she can deal with it - do the rest of you have anything to add?”

“Shouldn’t you be asking yourself that?” Clint asked.

“No,” said Tony. “Since you have all moved in I have most certainly not-” Bruce appeared to consider this, and then nodded. “Besides, Katniss, I’m assuming that you’re the creeper who snuck up on the two of them?” 

“I was taking a nap,” Clint said. “And next thing I know...” he shook his head, in an attempt to appear traumatized. Darcy flipped him off, then looked down when she caught the glance Coulson was giving her.

“Look, the point is!” she said. “I think we can all agree, it’s just common courtesy-”

“To not fuck on the couch,” Tony said.

Darcy plowed on, “It’s not just for that, I mean, it is a little unnerving to have someone watch you like that when you’re, you know, not expecting it?” 

“It is,” Natasha said.

“Like you don’t do it,” Clint replied. Natasha gave him a predatory grin, and Clint grinned back at her.

“So, I’m going to write it down right now, OK?” Darcy asked. “Are we all agreed?”

“Is this compromise going to come with a corollary of not getting naked-” Tony began.

“Fine,” Darcy said, and she began to write - _If you plan on staying in a room and creepily staring at someone(s)-_ and stopped when she saw Clint’s hand shoot up in her peripheral vision.

“I feel like that’s...well, I feel singled out, which I don’t feel is fair, and further, that this leveling a judgement at me.”

“It’s an accurate one,” Tony said. “Lurking in the air ducts is creepy.”

“So is constructing sentient computer systems and giving them English accents and making them call you Master,” Clint replied, and crossed his arms.

“Besides, I was singled out-” Steve began, and then stopped as Tony slowly turned his head towards him, Exorcist style.

“You broke it!” 

“Children,” Coulson said.

Darcy amended the compromise so it read, in full:

 _Official Avenger’s Tower Compromise #2(a): If you plan on staying in a room and ~~creepily staring at someone(s)~~ watching someone(s) for period of more than one minute, you should announce your presence, and #2(b): No sex acts in public places in order to forestall need for Rule 2(a)._

“Don’t you have an eraser?” Natasha asked.

“No,” Darcy said. “Forgot to get one and don’t want to get it all over my hands before I eat the Naan.” Natasha smiled back at her - were they friends, Darcy wondered? What sort of proof did Natasha give people of that? Was she like a cat, who brought a kill to you? Darcy shuddered. 

“I want to eat in peace, Stark, so, to answer your question,” Coulson said, “Sex act means any act that could be defined as sexual by a reasonable person with a reasonable sex drive.” 

Darcy nodded her head and looked down at her plate of food. He was good - which was, in itself, good. If you were going to learn, it should be from the best.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Firefly (sadly, future plot developments preclude me from attempting to write this with references ONLY to other whedon-works)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the massive id-fic. Hopefully enjoyable id-fic?

_Official Avenger’s Tower Compromise #3: Entertainment options in the lounge area are open to discussion at any time except for Thursday @ 8:00, Mondays @ 9:00, and Saturdays @ 10 2 when relevant shows have new episodes airing._

“I’m just interested in what else you would want to watch on a Thursday?” Natasha asked, pursing her lips. Darcy clutched a pillow to her lap. She knew she was supposed to stand by her man, and all of that, but this was one of those things they were going to have to accept they seriously disagreed about.

“I don’t know, maybe, something everyone can enjoy?” Steve asked, glancing over at Thor for support.

“This program is most confusing,” Thor agreed. 

“Stop being such an Annie, Steve,” Clint said. Darcy raised the pillow to hide her grin and felt Clint nudge her in the side. Normally, she would have sat next to Steve, but he had been at a meeting with Fury and Coulson and had wandered in about five minutes into the show.

“Oh! Fun game,” Natasha said. “Thor is definitely Pierce.” 

“Tony wants to be Jeff, but he is totally Britta,” Clint said.

“No, no,” Darcy added - she couldn’t help herself, “He and Banner are totally Troy and Abed.”

“Damn it,” said Clint.

“So obvious, I can’t believe you missed that,” Natasha said, shaking her head.

“Don’t even say that I’m Britta-” 

“Well, I’m certainly not,” Natasha said, crossing her arms.

 _Oh, no,_ Darcy thought, too late. She was going to get called in on this one. 

“Coulson is Jeff,” Clint said, finally. “Especially considering the fanboy-boner he has for Annie.”

“What?” Steve asked, and he looked to Darcy, appealing for help. 

“That alone can’t make Coulson Jeff. You’re Jeff, and I’m Britta.” Natasha said. Darcy narrowed her eyes - was this further proof that the two were sleeping together or had slept together and were open to considering sleeping together in the future? 

“I believe that there are other entertainment counsels available for our use, Steve,” Thor said, looking at Darcy for a moment. _Wwwwhhhhyyyy?_ Darcy thought. “It seems they are very intent on watching this show. Also, Clint?”

“Yes, Thor?” Clint asked, giving him a strange, pleasant smile.

“You do not need to remind us of your mortal status,” Thor said, pointing to Clint’s chest, which said _I am a Human Being._ “We are well aware of it, without it being advertised on your garments.” 

Natasha burst out laughing, and Darcy gave Steve a _I’m really sorry but..._ wince. “I’ll be there in twelve minutes and thirteen seconds,” she said, glancing at the DVR information on the screen. Steve sighed, shook his head, but gave her a slight smile. 

* * *

“Those...are not real women,” Thor said, plopping down on the couch next to Bruce. “I did not realize those in your realm possessed abilities similar to my brother-”

“Loki is a drag queen?” Bruce asked.

“I do not know what that means - Loki is able to assume either gender, as well as fall pregnant-” 

“Whoa, whoa there, Big Guy,” Tony said, pressing pause on the DVR. “What?” 

“He is a shapeshifter,” Thor said, and crossed his arms, as though this explained everything. Jane shot Tony a look, her eyes wide and a little panicked. Tony completed disregarded this.

“So - eight-legged horse?”

“My nephew has a name,” Thor replied, voice terse.

“Drag queens,” Bruce said, and Thor turned to him and smiled, “aren’t shapeshifters. They’re men, and they dress as women in order to entertain, and to...play around with ideas of gender. But - mostly for entertainment.”

“Jesus is a Biscuit,” said Darcy.

“Let him sop you up,” came a voice from behind them. They all turned to see Coulson wheeling into the room. 

“Did not see that coming,” Bruce mumbled.

“Seriously?” Tony asked, patting Bruce on the head. “The man has an addiction to Supernanny, and she’s definitely a drag queen. Pull up your seat, Phil,” Tony said, and then paused. “Unless...you’re not on Team PhiPhi, are you?”

“Tired ass show girl,” Coulson replied.

* * *

“The animation of this is really spectacular,” Steve said, sipping some of his coffee and smiling at Darcy. “The backgrounds are all watercolor, that must have been-”

“Steve, shush, if you had a special television program, I wouldn’t be talking about the...mechanics of the robots, or whatever,” Tony replied. Steve rolled his eyes and smiled at Darcy, who smiled back. 

They had all wandered to the television during breakfast on Saturday, everyone besides Darcy curious to see what it was that had got Tony up at ten in the morning on a Saturday. Darcy was pleased that the show managed to hold everyone’s attention, for one reason or another.

As the credits rolled, Thor cleared his throat. “I found the action to be most exhilarating, but I am confused - what is this Avatar? And why are there no other air benders besides the bald man and his odd little children?” 

Tony turned slowly, and his grin was a little shaky - Darcy was pretty sure that his coffee mug was full of espresso with a dash of milk. She made a little sound when she realized that his gaze was directed at her. “Oh, no, this is going to happen, isn’t it?” she asked.

“Does anyone have anything else to do for the next fourteen or so hours?” Tony asked, looking around. “No, thought not-”

“But-” Steve protested.

“You know how you said I needed to...take on more of a leadership role, maybe initiate some team bonding exercises?” Tony asked.

“Why would you say that, Steve?” Clint asked.

“I thought-” Steve began, and then shook his head.

“So, bonding exercise! We’re going to watch _Avatar._ All three seasons!”

“It’s not too early to drink, is it?” Clint asked.

“I’ll go get the Bailey’s and the vodka,” Natasha said.

“Aren’t we going to...I mean, fourteen hours of television?” Steve asked, glancing around.

“I am interested in learning this mythology,” Thor said. Jane shrugged her shoulders.

“It’s really good?” Darcy said. “What? I used to watch it all the time - thanks, Netflix instant - when I was stoned and, ugh...in-between classes? When I most certainly sober?” 

“Natasha, you should go get Coulson,” Clint said. “I’m sure he wouldn’t want to miss this...”

Steve, for a brief moment, took this as a sign of hope. Unfortunately - or, as far as Darcy was concerned, fortunately - since Saturday was technically Coulson’s day off, he had taken some of his stronger pain medication and didn’t have any protests for Tony’s plans. “The show has been widely acclaimed,” he said, grin a little lopsided. “And, besides, periods of relaxation are critical for you to be in peak condition for battle.” He nodded at Steve, who sighed. Darcy kissed Steve’s cheek. _What could possibly go wrong?_

Darcy and Tony realized the answer to that question at the same moment, as Sokka and Katara were out in their boat and were about to stumble on Aang, the Avatar - frozen in an iceberg. “Oh, shit,” Tony mouthed to her, and Darcy grimaced. 

“Steve! Is this a legend inspired by your own story?” Thor asked, when Aang emerged.

“Ugh...” Steve began, and Darcy wrapped an arm around his shoulder - and, really, she was 0 for 2 in picking out pop culture to consume with Steve Rogers, from the _Up_ incident to this. 

“It was made before they found the Captain,” Coulson said, and he gave a terse smile to Steve. 

“I see. So this flying beast, I would not be able to find one on Midgard?” Thor asked.

“No,” Tony said. “Though having a Sky Bison would be so, so much better than the Quinjet.” 

“I’m sure that’s where the similarities end,” Jane said to Steve, in her helpful voice.

“Nope,” Tony said. “Steve is basically the Avatar. We should all just accept it, and move on, for Steve’s emotional well-being back there.”

“My emotional well-being is fine, thank you,” Steve said, a little tense. Darcy sighed - she hadn’t asked Steve about any of that, whether he remembered anything, and he hadn’t volunteered it. Even though it felt like they had been together for a long time, it was, realistically, three weeks since they had met. She glanced over at Jane - it was easy to forget that they were all such wounded people, some so much more than others.

As they moved through the episodes, it became clear that there were certain themes that resonated with everyone - not surprising, consider that the story and quest were fairly similar to the narrative arcs of each of the Avengers.

“Ah, Natasha!” Thor said. “You are most definitely the leader of the admirable female warriors.” Natasha arched her eyebrow at Thor and smiled. 

“That would make Barton Sokka,” Tony said, glancing over at Darcy, who rolled her eyes - _way to be obvious, Stark,_ she thought. “What? He becomes really bad ass at swordmanship! And besides, they’re the two non-benders in the group.” 

“Is there a character in this tale who I resemble?” Thor asked.

“Ugh...” Darcy said. “Why don’t we watch some more, and, uhm, see?” 

As they moved through the second season, it was unilaterally agreed that Tony would get to be Toph. “And! Bruce - you are totally Iroh,” Tony said, by then intoxicated. “The tea, the meditation, the connection to the very nature of fire bending - we’ll get to that - and you totally do not want to piss him off.” Bruce just shook his head. 

“Oh, I see,” Thor said, finally, after Zuko’s younger sister revealed herself to be a complete psychopath and Zuko decided to join and help the Avatar. Steve reached across the couch and gave him a reassuring pat on the leg. “Well, is it not the reason we tell and watch these stories?” Thor asked. “To realize that our own experiences exist beyond ourselves?” 

Everyone looked at him, then, and Darcy pursed her lips slightly - not that she thought Thor was... but that was an outstanding insight, the sort of thing that would get printed up in an inspirational font on a card or small item to tack to one’s college dorm wall.

“Indeed,” said Coulson. “To self reflection,” he hoisted his diet coke in the air, and everyone followed with their own beverages. 

After it was over, they all rubbed their eyes and made for their respective bedrooms. Darcy looked over at Steve as she leaned back on the bed. She opened her mouth, not entirely sure what to say, and Steve leaned down and kissed her, hard. “I like what Thor said,” he said, softly, and then kissed at her ear. Darcy sighed. 

After that, there was no way that Avatar wouldn’t enter their lexicon. In battle, once, when Steve needed to get lifted to the top of the building where a group of terrorists had settled, Tony swooped in to pick him up. _Yip, yip!_ he said, and Steve had visibly scowled when it happened. Coulson had zoomed in on the expression, later, for Darcy’s benefit. 

When Thor told one of his lengthy tales of his childhood misfortune and embarrassment, including Odin's punishment, Steve had looked at him and nodded. _That’s rough, buddy,_ then, _What? I know how to make jokes! And use references! Clearly!_ And then, of course, Clint had to say _Boomerang came back!_ when Thor summoned Mjolnir during a battle.

She was only able to hear about the best moment, though, and she was very sorry to have missed it. The Avengers were caved in after pursuing HYDRA in their Arctic base, and Tony began to hyperventilate. So Clint had looked at Natasha, who had nodded her head. _Two lovers!_ Clint began, _Forbidden from one another..._ with all of them, even Natasha, joining in for the chorus, _Secret Tunnel, Secret Tunnel, Secret Secret Secret Tunnel!_

“You see,” Tony said to Steve, when they returned, two days later. “I told you. Team bonding exercise.” 

Steve had rolled his eyes, but Darcy could tell this was his way of grudgingly agreeing with Tony.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The television shows referenced, in order - _Community,_ _RuPaul's Drag Race,_ and _The Legend of Korra,_ which leads to the massive _Avatar: the Last Airbender_ marathon.


	4. Chapter 4

“You can’t kill me! You’re attached to too many tubes!” Tony said to Natasha, gleeful, and Darcy had to close her eyes and take a deep breath. 

In the beginning, things had at least been normal - coffee machine mishaps, television schedules, asking that people not creepily watch their roommates have sex from the ceiling vents. But trust that Tony Stark would have to take things to the next level. “Oh, come on, Natasha,” he said, smiling. “It’s all Thor’s fault, after all.” 

Thor crossed his arms and made a disapproving, growling sound. 

Official Avengers’ Compromise #4 began when there had been some takeout Thai food from the restaurant that was now referred to as the Date Restaurant. Clint had even taken Coulson and Natasha there, so they wouldn’t feel left out, and Darcy sat and imagined the two spies taking turns rolling Coulson down the street. “Are they in a threeway?” she asked Steve, rolling onto her side. He was reading a book, which was really cute, since he got a little furrow right between his eyebrows. “Or do you just think they’re fucking with us?” 

“What?” Steve asked, putting the book down - he’d been primarily getting his reading list from Bruce and Coulson, and Darcy smiled at the fact that tonight’s offering was the fifth Harry Potter book.

“Natasha, Coulson, and Clint - threeway, or just fucking with us?” 

Steve looked at her and shook his head, as though he was disapproving of her line of inquiry. Just as she was about to defend herself, he said, “I stopped trying to figure that awhile ago,” and turned his page. Darcy had grinned.

There was leftover Thai takeout from a dinner order placed for delivery from the Date Restaurant, and the next day Thor had reheated most of the remnants for lunch. Darcy had been in the kitchen, getting some sandwiches ready for the scientists - Thor had been lamenting how he hadn’t seen Jane for two days - when Natasha came in. She sniffed, and then her mouth opened, and then closed.

“The panang curry,” she said, and pointed to the orange curry on Thor’s plate.

“Most delicious,” Thor said.

“I know,” said Natasha. “It was mine. I was going to have it for lunch.” 

Thor furrowed his brow. “But, we ordered the food for a communal feast, did we not?”

“You should have put your name on it,” Clint said. Darcy jumped, since she hadn’t noticed him in the doorway, and he laughed. “Put that on the board, Darcy.” 

The three of them really, really should have known better - but _Official Avengers’ Compromise #4: If you don’t want someone to eat your food/use your possession, put your name on it_ was added to the board. 

* * * *

“Honestly, it’s getting a little out of hand,” Jane said, two days later, when Darcy managed to grab her to get some coffee and something to eat. Jane was picking at her muffin and pressing her lips together.

“Did you think that getting them together would get them to stop behaving like...little kids?” Darcy asked, raising an eyebrow. Jane shrugged.

“First, I want to know how he managed to get all of those _Property of Stark Industries_ stickers printed up so quickly,” Jane said. “And he’s got some...super, super glue on them, or something, since they do not come off.”

“He’s the...something of a multi-billion dollar company,” Darcy said. “I am sure some underling was taxed with it.”

“He put one on my bagel this morning,” Jane said. “It was...annoying, but fine, when it was just between the two of them - Tony would put it on a piece of Bruce’s lab equipment, and he would discover it, and they would laugh, and we would get back to work. I mean...we’re working on the Bifrost, amongst other things, you know? Important things!” 

Darcy nodded along with this. She was a good listener, especially a Jane-listener - it had been one of her primary duties as Jane’s intern, back when Jane knew that she was onto something but lacked the evidence for it. Back when Jane had been both scientifically and sexually frustrated. 

“So I went to eat the bagel, and Tony pointed at the sticker, and reminded me about the compromise...” She put a bit of muffin into her mouth, “And I tried to point out that since I was an employee of Stark Industries I could eat the bagel, but then Tony argued since he was the major shareholder, it was his bagel...and, honestly, for a moment I thought about going and getting someone from legal to help me because I bought the damn bagel at the grocery store.” 

“Wow,” Darcy said. 

“I didn’t ask for this,” Jane said. “I didn’t need to get pulled into this...” 

“There’s only one way to end it,” Darcy said. “This advice, of course, comes from me as a friend and in no way in my official capacity as a representative of...SHIELD, or SI, or whoever the fuck employs me.”

“Oh, no, have you been talking with the lawyers now, too?” Jane asked, and Darcy made a mental note to figure out exactly how Jane had gotten involved in some entanglement with the legal department. In Darcy’s brief experience, they were the worst. It was like entering a room full of Nile Monitor lizards - they would bite you, wait for the bacteria in their mouth to infect you and kill you, and then feast on your corpse.

“No, no! I just...I don’t need this spreading, right? Getting back to me? Since apparently I’m a Coulson-in-training, or whatever.” 

“OK,” Jane said, and she appeared relieved. “So what do I do?”

“Escalate it to its logical conclusion, and do it in such a way that Tony believes Bruce did it, or vice versa,” Darcy said. “Trust me. I’ve been involved in my fair share of prank wars. It’s the only course of action.” Darcy could see the gears working behind Jane’s head, and finally she smiled.

“That’s good advice,” she said, finally, and sipped at her coffee and smiled.

Later, Darcy would wonder if she had missed something in her friend’s smile - if Tony and Bruce were rubbing off on her usual laid back demeanor, if there might have been something manic there. But then there was something bigger for her to worry about - she had completely miscalculated, with her advice, because she had focused on how to get the two scientists out of Jane’s hair, but not on the best course of action for the whole team.

The next morning, as Jane later told it, she ground up two Xanax and put them in Bruce’s tea. “What? He and I talked extensively about his metabolic rate with medications!” she said, to Darcy and Natasha in the kitchen. While Bruce was briefly passed out, Jane stuck one of the _Property of Stark Industries_ stickers on his ass.

“On his actual ass cheek?” Natasha asked. She appeared impressed.

“When he passes out, it’s usually face first into that awful couch of theirs,” Jane said, wrinkling her tiny nose. “So I looked away, pulled his pants down, and slapped it on.” 

Bruce naturally assumed that Tony was the culprit. Tony vehemently denied this, and after the withholding of affection and sexual attention, he eventually gave in to Bruce. Except instead of forgetting the whole thing, the two of them decided it would be best to combine their powers and use them against others.

The next day, Darcy was down in the gym, trying to administer SHIELD mandated physical fitness assessments. “We need to get a baseline!” she shouted, above Natasha’s work out tape, currently blasting _Heaven is a Place on Earth_ into the gym. Natasha had her arms crossed and was daring someone to say something about her choice in music. “That way, if anything is wrong...we’ll know! It’s like a medical physical.” 

When Clint went to pick up one of his quivers, he frowned. “Why does this say _Property of Stark Industries_?” he asked, holding it up.

“Well, it is,” Tony said. “I invented it - well, improved enough on the original that it could probably be considered a separate...item, for patent purposes, certainly. So.”

“But you gave it to me,” Clint replied, and he clutched at the quiver as he eyed Bruce and Tony. “It’s mine. It was a gift. Not yours.”

“No?” Bruce asked. “Even with the label? Because, then, I suppose that box of Count Chocola that says _Clint’s ONLY motherfuckers_ really isn’t-”

“Do you know how hard it is to find that out of season?” Clint demanded, and seemed to be seriously considering piercing either Bruce or Tony with one of the arrows.

Bruce shrugged. “Well, you labeled that-”

“And the quiver is labeled...” Tony said. 

They were interrupted by JARVIS, who indicated that Director Fury had called and alerted them to the fact that there was a bit of a mutant incident in Baltimore and that they would need to assemble on the roof and fly out to deal with it.

Darcy was allowed to watch the live feeds of their battles with Agent Coulson, under the guise that she was ensuring that Coulson didn’t overwork himself. “So...giant, mutant animal creatures?” Darcy asked.

“It would appear so, yes,” Coulson replied. Darcy nodded, and studied his face, his tone of voice when he spoke, his everything. How did one become so calm, so nonplussed by magical hammers falling into the dessert, alien invasions led by demigods, near death by said demigod, and mutant attacks ravaging Baltimore? 

“Hmm,” he said, nodding his head along the intelligence coming in over his comm - Darcy’s, apparently, wasn’t wired for that security level clearance, “It appears they’re from Chernobyl.”

“Really?” Tony demanded, blasting one of the mutated, wolf-worm-teeth creatures. “Aren’t we a little past that? Shouldn’t we be fighting Japanese Earthquake radioactive fallout mutants?”

“Wasn’t that an X-Files episode?” Clint asked, at the same time.

“I think that might be too soon, Tony,” Bruce said. Then there was the sound of his comm hitting the ground and a distinct roaring noise. Darcy narrowed her eyes at the various angles they had, and then realized that the Hulk had come out to defend Tony, who was clutched in the jaws of one of the creatures and struggling to get out. She grinned when she noticed that the _Property of Stark Industries_ sticker remained stuck to his green form, right above where his pants barely hung onto his waist.

“Please tell me that is not in response to the most recent compromise,” Coulson said.

“Unfortunately, sir, I can’t do that,” Darcy replied. 

Coulson shook his head, and they watched as the battle progressed. Darcy had to close her eyes when the creatures closed in on Natasha, who had found herself backed into a corner. “Someone needs to get to the Widow!” Clint said, a slight hint of desperation in his voice. 

“Darcy,” Coulson said, and Darcy inhaled and opened her eyes. He reached over and pat her, slightly, on the shoulder, but then removed his hand as though he had been burned.

Natasha hit her head hard against the asphalt when she was brought down, kicking and firing her gun despite one of the creatures eating at her arm. Then Thor descended into the middle of the scene, pulled Natasha up and out of the thing’s mouth, and knocked the creatures into the nearest building like they were whack-a-moles. Darcy smiled as he clutched Natasha to his manly bosom with one arm and used Mjolnir to launch into the air with the other.

Natasha required surgery to close up some of the damage on her arm, though it thankfully would heal within a few weeks. She had a concussion, several cracked ribs, and some pretty severe bruising on her side and thighs. Tony was in the room with her as well, having sustained primarily surface injuries after being used as a metal chew toy. 

Darcy paced outside the medical bay hallway just like everyone else, waiting to be let in following Natasha’s surgery. The doctors and nurses darted around them, doing their best to not get caught by an Avenger demanding to know exactly what was going on. 

Eventually, a doctor exited the room. “You can go in now,” he said. They had long ago given up on telling them one at a time. “Just...try and keep it down, yes?” He said this while pointedly looking at Thor.

“Don’t worry, we didn’t bring any Asgardian mead this time” Clint said, clapping the doctor with his one good arm - the other was in a sling, since he had separated his shoulder at some point and Steve had put it back in while in the field. “Hey, Nat, how do you feel?”

Natasha was still a little out of it, and she mumbled something in response and then shifted in the bed. Clint and Coulson grabbed some uncomfortable hospital chairs and immediately pulled up next to her. Bruce went over to sit next to Tony, and Darcy arched an eyebrow at Thor and nodded at Tony. It took Thor a moment to realize what he was getting at, and then he headed over for Tony’s bed as well. “Stark! You appear most well, despite being in the maws of the beast!” 

“Yeah, well, that’s all thanks to Bruce, here,” Tony said, smiling at Bruce. They threaded their hands together, and Darcy couldn’t help but think _aaaawwww_ while reaching for Steve’s hand at the same time. He one upped the science couple, wrapping his arm around her waist.

“Ugh,” said Natasha, and everyone in the room turned to her. “Not my finest hour,” she said. “I hate hitting my head.” 

“I know,” Clint said. “But the doctor said that the concussion is a mild one.” He flicked her a smile.

“The smart doctor, or the dumb one?” she asked, and then frowned and tugged at the hospital gown she was in. She arched her neck up, seemingly to test how bad the concussion was, and then made a snarling noise.

Tony grinned, and started laughing

“Pleased with yourself, are you?” she asked, turning her attention to him. Her grin was wild and toothy.

“It’s only a temporary tattoo!” Tony said.

Natasha glanced down her hospital gown again and arched an eyebrow to indicate her displeasure at the locale. “Oh, come on, it wasn’t like that - I’m happily...Brucing now, thank you-” 

“I don’t think that means you still don’t like breasts,” Clint said, and he winced a little at Bruce, who shrugged his shoulders. 

Steve had face palmed, at this point, and then looked at Darcy. “We’re going to have to fix that compromise,” he said, as Tony continued on to blame Thor.

She did that as her first order of business once they all returned to the mansion, so that _Official Avenger’s Compromise #4:_ read: _a) Merely labeling an item “property of X” does not make it your property if, in fact, it is not; (b) if the item is yours, and you don’t want someone to eat your food/use your possession, you can alert them to this by putting your name on it._


	5. Chapter 5

_Official Avengers Compromise #5(a) - science! should only be performed in a safe and secure lab environment; #5(b) - and is not an excuse for disrupting sleep between the hours of 1-7AM (weekends included, even if drunkenness serves as an acceptable excuse during this same time period)_

_At least,_ Darcy thought, _we weren’t interrupted mid-sex._ Instead, they had just moved into the post-sex stage of things where Darcy rested her head against Steve’s majestic pectorals and he ran his fingers through his hair as they came down off their orgasms. She was half asleep when the alarm went off. “What?” she said, and the force of Steve bolting upright was enough to topple her forward on the bed.

“Oh, gosh, Darcy, I didn’t hurt you, did I?” Steve asked, putting a hand down between her shoulder blades.

“Nope, thanks, mattress,” Darcy mumbled, and sat up. “That’s not the fire alarm, or the Fury alarm, right?” 

“No,” said Steve. “JARVIS, what-?”

“I’m afraid I’ve had to lock down the tower, Captain Rogers,” JARVIS replied. “There is possibly a dangerous chemical or biological contagion that has been released into the environment. Standard procedure recommends that you all shower immediately as I work to detect any traces of contamination in the air.”

“Holy fuck-” Darcy said, as Steve easily rolled off the bed but then stumbled towards their bathroom. He raised his eyebrows at her, and then at the ceiling. She still found it endearing how Steve thought JARVIS came from the ceiling, like he lived in the vents or something. Although - that might be something to ask Clint about, whether Stark had some English man imprisoned in the ceiling in order to... _you need to sleep more, Lewis,_ she said, and pulled herself reluctantly out of bed and confronted one of the reasons she wasn’t sleeping enough, which was Steve’s ass.

“Have we been attacked?” Steve asked.

“No, Captain,” JARVIS replied, and he almost sounded - contrite? Apologetic? “Master Stark and Dr. Banner were in the kitchen and-”

The sound of the shower, along with Steve and Darcy simultaneously exclaiming “ _science!_ ” drowned out the rest of JARVIS’ explanation.

“I cannot believe-” Steve began, as he took a bar of soap and began to lather up his body - and, Darcy decided, they really needed to do co-showering more often, so, as far as she was concerned that was a point in the direction of _science!_ “No, I can believe it, but it’s two in the morning.”

“So,” Darcy said, squeezing some of her shower gel into her loofah, “more likely than not, it was drunk science.”

“Please tell me that is not something they do,” Steve said. 

“I don’t think it comes in italics, no,” Darcy replied. Steve looked at her, perplexed, and Darcy sighed. “I don’t think it’s an official thing, no.” 

“Why does Jane have the common sense not to get involved in these things?” Steve asked.

Darcy watched as some soap suds traveled down from his chest to his abdomen to his - and then pretended that the delay in her response was due to serious consideration. “Because she’s an astrophysicist, a theoretical scientist, and most of the stuff she does...doesn’t really involve actual experiments? I mean, sometimes it does, but the worst that could happen...” she stopped, remembering the night they had found Thor. Not that that had been Jane’s doing, but she was attempting to do something like that, so- “OK, so she might open a black hole that would eat our entire planet, but it would be less annoying than this?”

Steve furrowed his brow, and he looked so adorable Darcy couldn’t resist pulling him in for a kiss. “Wait...should we do that?” Steve asked

“If you’re contaminated, I’m contaminated,” Darcy said. “Besides, if we’re about die from poisoning, _Wrath of Khan_ style, I’d prefer to do it while-” she grabbed his half-hard cock and pumped, using the soap suds for lubrication.

“What?” Steve asked, and Darcy pressed herself into him and moved her hand up and down, tracing her fingers along all of the spots she had found over the last week or so. She cupped his balls and he sighed - and it didn’t take much to work his erection to fullness, again, and Darcy had to grin. _Such a healthy appetite, young man!_ she thought, and then Steve was wrapping his arms around her and pulling her up.

Instinctively, she wrapped her legs around his waist. “Steve-” she said, as he pressed her against the shower wall and kissed her, tongue against hers, “I’ve never, and it’s slippery, and-” How do you explain to Captain America that you had a somewhat paralyzing fear of falling, from everything from people who picked you up to stairs to buildings to anything, really, that placed her more than two feet away from the ground?

But she didn’t have to, since he hitched his hips upwards and grabbed her and she realized that she was steady, held, and that Steve was not going to drop her. Also, the fact that his cock was rubbing right into her clit might have factored into her decision to overcome her fears. _Where was the red, bashful Steve Rogers I knew from just a week ago?_ she wondered - not that she was complaining, this was good, too, she just didn’t like to think that she was a corrupting influence of that magnitude. “I’ve got you,” Steve said, in her ear.

“I know,” she replied, and he was instantly inside her and yes, it felt good. Very good, especially when he was able to slot his thumb into just the right spot as he angled her a little more upwards. “Oh, fuck, Steve, yes!” she said, and the surprise of the whole thing had her building quickly - though it was, for her at least, always easier the second go around. 

“Captain, Ms. Lewis, the biological and chemical agent that was released should provide no immediate danger,” JARVIS said, as Steve drove up inside her, only slowing slightly to listen. “However, it is standard procedure for the residential floors to be on lockdown for twelve hours.”

“Thanks!” both of them said, between pants, and not quite in unison. Steve, perhaps because of the difference in strength, had always been gentle with her but this was just the right side of firm and so she wasn’t surprised, in the least, that it didn’t take long after JARVIS’ second announcement for either of them to come.

“Captain Rogers,” she said, into his ear while he was still inside of her. “My, my...” 

“Well, like you said,” he replied, guiding her so that when her feet touched the wet ground she didn’t even slip more than inch, “we could have died.”

Five minutes later, after they dried off and put on pajamas and bathrobes, Steve repeated this to Tony in the living room. The tone was, however, remarkably different, more, “Tony! We could have all died!” 

Natasha had her arms crossed, and her hair was wet enough that it was dripping onto her silk robe. Clint was wearing what appeared to be a Pittsburgh Penguins licensed pajama set, and he also looked like a newly made member of the _Walking Dead_. Jane was nearly drowning in one of Thor’s shirts and was likely instrumental in getting him to wear a pair of pajama plans, much to Darcy’s slight irritation.

“Yes, but! We didn’t, and besides, we were just trying to make toast.” Tony narrowed his eyes at Darcy and Steve and then smiled, and Darcy really hated how he always, always seemed to know. He gave the same look to Thor and Jane, though Thor beamed back at him. It was definitely his mutant power.

“Toast,” Bruce said, and made a little noise that Darcy really wanted to call a giggle.

Natasha closed her eyes. “I don’t understand how making toast turns into a biological contaminant-” 

“And such noise, in the night!” Thor interrupted. “Even I can prepare this toast without such an interruption.” 

“Well-” Tony said, and looked at Bruce, whose eyes were lidded.

“Dude,” Clint said, “If you’ve been holding out on us, that is so not cool.”

“For the last time, Barton, Bruce doesn’t have an actual giant bag of weed, I was just being my usual snarky self,” Tony replied. Bruce nodded. “Tea just lacks the pure-caffeine wallop that coffee does, is all, and also, Bruce might have inhaled the majority of the, ugh, chemical agent that resulted from the emulsification of the-”

“Oh, really?” Jane asked, and then spouted some science at them and looked, largely, like Darcy’s disapproving seventh and eight grade Spanish teacher when one of the boys asked her to conjugate poser* again. “So you weren’t really making toast, you were playing around with that...stuff.” 

“That stuff,” Tony said, “could be the polymer necessary to create the indestructible stretchy Hulk Pants, which I think we can all agree is something that is for the good of mankind.” 

“Should I be insulted by that?” Bruce asked.

“But why did you put it in the toaster?” Steve asked.

“Well, the microwave would have been too hot-” Tony began.

“I’m going back to bed,” Clint said, and turned and shuffled out of the room. Darcy was pleased to note he had matching slippers with little penguins on them. Natasha shook her head and then tromped out after him.

“Next time,” Steve said - and really, Tony was lucky, because he would have been a lot more pissed off if they hadn’t just fucked twice in the span of an hour and a half - “if you’re going to...heat...stuff, can’t you do it in the lab? Where only the two of you will have to suffer the lockdown?” 

“Well, to be fair,” Bruce said, “we did come up with the intention of making toast.” 

“I don’t really care,” Steve said, and he rubbed at his temples. 

* * *

The next time, they were woken in the middle of the night be a heavy thud above them, followed by the sound of a bottle breaking. Darcy pressed her head into the pillow, at first willing the dream to go away, then realizing it was futile since it was real life.

“JARVIS, are we being attacked?” Steve demanded - it had to be some part of Army training, Darcy decided, that allowed him to become instantly awake when he sensed a threat.

“In a way, Captain. Master Barton and Thor have returned from a night out and appear to be redecorating the common area.” 

Steve inhaled, and then exhaled. Darcy pulled her head out of the pillow and ran a hand down his spine. “I don’t suppose anyone else is going to deal with this?” he asked, and she wasn’t sure if it was rhetorical or directed at JARVIS or at her.

“I was told by Master Stark not to awake Agent Coulson unless it was immediately necessary,” JARVIS replied.

“I think he’s telling you that you are the second most responsible adult on the premises,” Darcy said. 

Steve sighed, rolled out of bed, and pulled on a pair of sweatpants. “Could you wake Dr. Foster, please, JARVIS? Last time I tried to carry Thor back to his room I think he pulled my arm out of my socket.” 

“You are very brave,” Darcy said. “Do you want me to-”

“No,” Steve said, shaking his head. “No, definitely no.” 

Darcy decided to stay awake until he got back to reward him for his peace keeping efforts, so she pulled out the book she was reading. She was able to read for ten minutes without her eyelids drooping, and she persevered for perhaps another five, reading the same sentence over and over. When Steve didn’t return after twenty minutes, she put her head down on the pillow - just for a quick nap, she told herself.

She was vaguely aware of him kissing her on the forehead when he returned, curiously smelling of gin, the cause of which was revealed the next morning when he told her that Clint was trying to teach Thor how to juggle.

* * * 

“Fuck, this is just like college when people would set the microwave on fire with their popcorn!” she shouted, the next week, when the Tower’s alarm alerted them to the most recent threat. “I used to have stand outside in my pajamas in the middle of February-”

“This isn’t the fire alarm,” Steve said, and this time he reached under the bed for his shield and pulled a sweatshirt on with his pants. “One of the windows has been broken - it’s a breach.”

“Did we have a seminar on this?” Darcy asked - she always skipped those things.

“This isn’t a joke!” Steve said, voice stern, and his face softened when he saw her raise her eyebrows. “Just...stay here, OK? Or evacuate, if JARVIS tells you that you need to.” Then he opened the door, shield held in front of him, and ran for the stairs.

 _Fuck that,_ Darcy thought, which was pretty stupid and was how the girlfriend always, always ended up getting killed by the super villain - but, it wasn’t like there weren’t things she could do, like make sure that Agent Coulson got to safety, since he was still using a wheelchair. So she grabbed her taser and headed for his room.

On her way, she ran into - almost literally - Natasha, who shook her head at Darcy. “It’s just Stark and Banner. Again,” she said. Darcy noted that, even with this information, Natasha still had a knife in one hand and a gun in the other.

“I don’t know if throwing knives, then, is really-” Darcy began, as she followed Natasha, and stopped when she was able to see the scene in dining area. The floor to ceiling window was, indeed, broke, and five shattered melons on poles were directly in front of them. The last also appeared charred. The sprinkler system was on, drenching Tony and Bruce in water. The rest of the Avengers, not wanting another unnecessary shower, stood in the hallway. “Dude, I don’t think Melon Lord** is an actual threat,” Darcy said.

“That better not be my bow,” Clint said, at the same time, and Darcy saw that Tony was holding a bow that looked suspiciously like Clint’s.

“Relax, Barton, this is just a replica,” Tony said. “Besides, you’ve got yours labelled, don’t you?” Then, Tony offered, “It wasn’t supposed to do that?” mostly to Steve, who had thrown his shield on the dining room table and looked slightly constipated, which, not the sexiest look. Darcy frowned. 

“I told you that you didn’t calibrate that correctly,” Bruce said. “But, no! I’m the engineer, here, Bruce, trust my calculations, because I have a normal sleep cycle and haven’t had too much scotch tonight and-” Bruce trailed off when he realized everyone was looking at him. He sighed.

“Natasha, do you mind putting the gun down?” Tony asked.

“What. The. Fuck?” Natasha asked, maintaining her position. 

“We were trying to make a birthday present for Clint,” Bruce said. “But, ugh, Tony didn’t calibrate the last one correctly, and, so... _science?_ ”

“Aw, that’s really nice, guys,” Clint said, immediately smiling.

“Do not encourage this folly,” Thor said.

* * *

The next morning, Darcy stood at the marker board as she wrote out _Official Avengers Compromise #5(a) - science should only be performed in a safe and secure lab environment; #5(b) - and is not an excuse for disrupting sleep between the hours of 1-7AM_ as everyone else sipped coffee in annoyed silence. “There,” she said. “Anything else we need to add?” She looked around the room with a smile on her face.

Tony, of course, raised his hand. “I want to point out that it hasn’t just been _science!_ that’s been interrupting everyone’s sleep - I seem to recall an incident with some Asgardian mead and a decision to play circus in the lounge-”

“We were engaged in an act of mirth due to the consumption of too much alcohol,” Thor said, narrowing his eyes at Tony. “Surely you are no stranger to such things?”

Darcy looked over at Jane, who had a smirk on her face - so, they, too had probably experienced a little coitus interruptus as well. 

“Right, but, why is _science!_ getting singled out?”

“Because it makes all of us think we’re getting attacked,” Steve said, crossing his arms. “Whereas drunk people are...just drunk people.”

“And it’s only the two of you,” Natasha pointed out. “Whereas any of us - well, some, more so than others...” 

“I thought we weren’t singling people out,” Tony said, “Barton got to object about being a creeper-”

“It wasn’t intentional!” Clint said.

“The problem is,” Darcy said, keeping her voice calm and really wishing that Coulson wasn’t at physical therapy right now - though, she was fairly certain that he scheduled things like that on purpose, to save himself the headache, and it’s not like she could complain about that, him being _Phil Coulson, hero_ and all. “The problem is,” she said again, after momentarily forgetting where she was going, “is that it makes us all think we’re under attack.”

“You’re just saying what Captain Snuggly Bear said,” Tony replied.

“I don’t call you - him - that,” Darcy replied, and then frowned. Steve looked down and shook his head. “And, besides, most people agree, so, I think, in the spirit of compromise-”

“Though, to be fair, the last two have been because of Stark,” Clint pointed out, which made Darcy want to erase the entire contents of the whiteboard with her head.

“Thor!” Tony replied.

“I was not aware of the proprietary left-over customs of your realm!” Thor said.

“Will you all just shut the fuck up?” Steve said, and apparently the fact that Captain America swore and said shut up _at the same time_ was enough to stun everyone into quiet submission, like chastised first graders. “Thank you. Tony, if you want a demonstration, I’d be happy to disrupt your sleep by blowing things up so you thought we were being attacked.”

Tony narrowed his eyes at Steve. “You were having sex, weren’t you?”

Natasha picked up her coffee and dishes and left the table, and Darcy just turned around to add the parenthetical that excused drunken interruptions, because apparently had to be made perfectly clear or certain individuals would take the opportunity to manipulate loop holes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *poser, when conjugated, turns to pus, making one of the conjugations sound like pussy, another pussimos - this was a favorite of my tenth grade Spanish class. 
> 
> **Avatar: The Last Airbender for Melon Lord, credit to a _Bones_ episode for also inspiring the idea of using melons to replicate a human head.


	6. Chapter 6

_Official Avengers Compromise #6 - all pets must be cleared with the management. Even though you lot live here, it does mean you get to make these kinds of decisions._

Darcy hadn’t been expecting Clint back so soon after he’d been dispatched on a mission by SHIELD. But it was clearly his voice that was near them, in the ceiling vent, or the duct work, or whatever - or she was having a dream about him, which, weird, but not...inexplicable. “What the hell?” Steve asked, startling out of his sleep.

“Shhh, Butters, we don’t want to wake-” There was a scuffling sound, something that sounded like barking, and then Clint making shushing noises from somewhere in the ceiling. _Ceiling Clint,_ Darcy thought, _is watching you masturbate. Alternately, blowing Captain America._

“Barton! Are you in the air vent?” Steve demanded.

“Depends. Are you naked? - shush, Butters!”

“And who is Butters?” Steve asked.

“We’re not,” Darcy replied, only just then realizing that the barking sound meant dog, and, extrapolating that - Clint had a dog with him in the air vent. She scrunched her eyes and rubbed at some of the sleep in them, then opened them when she heard one of the filters for the vents hit the carpeting. Clint followed and landed easily just as Steve asked JARVIS to turn the lights on.

In his arms was a very furry, definitely butterscotch colored lap dog. It appeared petrified, and Clint leaned down and spoke to it, softly, and then winced at Steve. “Butters,” he said.

“Is it a puppy?” Steve asked.

“I don’t think so,” Clint replied. 

Darcy watched with great interest as Steve got out of the bed and crouched down on the ground. Clint followed him down and released the dog. Steve held a cupped hand out to it. “Hey, buddy,” he said, voice pleasant and soft. “Hey, Butters - is that it’s real name?” Of course he was good with dogs - children, dogs, the elderly, he had a distinct charm that made him impossible to resist. It was different from the other charm - the one he was completely unaware of - but that he exuded towards people who were attracted to men. 

“Not sure,” Clint said. “And it’s a she, I think. I’m pretty sure - the dog is pretty furry.”

Butters approached Steve slowly, narrowing its eyes in a way that could only be described as judgmental. “How are you, little buddy?” Steve asked. The dog sniffed his hand and then wagged its tail, tentatively. “You want to pet her, Darcy?” 

“Yeah,” Darcy said, and she got down on the floor as well. The dog looked at her, then turned back to Steve, tail wagging quicker. “She likes you better.” _I found him first,_ she thought, sneering at the dog.

“At least she likes someone,” Clint said, crossing his arms.

“Where did you find her?” Steve asked, scratching behind the dog’s ears.

“She belonged to my mark,” Clint said, and Darcy winced at how easily he said it. “I didn’t know he had a dog until...and then she was barking her head off, and I just didn’t know what would happen to her. I didn’t want to just leave her.” He shrugged. “And yes, I’m well aware of the irony, or whatever - the dog, but not my mark. But Butters wasn’t trafficking in underage prostitutes.”

“It’s OK,” Steve said, now with dog in his lap, both of them grinning stupidly at one another. “You don’t have to justify yourself.” 

“So you named it Butters?” Darcy asked, and Clint grinned at her.

“Seemed to fit,” he said. “She’s a little derpy.* I was going to keep her in Coulson’s office at SHIELD, but Fury caught onto me.” 

“You think Stark will respond any better?” Steve asked.

“Huh,” Clint said. Then, “Oh. Does he like dogs?” 

“He has a room full of mechanical servant robots,” Darcy said, and when neither responded, she added, “So, no. I mean, rich people usually have rich people pets, right? Like pure bred...buttercream dachshunds.” 

“Worse comes to worse, we’ll just say she’s Coulson’s service dog,” Clint said. “I can get her one of those little red vests.” 

“Did you really think that no one would hear you coming through the air vents?” Steve asked, as the dog stood against his chest and licked at his face. Darcy, for the first time since they had started dating, felt jealous. Especially since the shade of the dog’s hair was almost a near perfect match for Steve’s. 

“Well, I don’t know,” Clint said. 

“You were going to try and hide her from Tony,” Darcy said. Clint shrugged and reached across to pet Butters, who twisted her neck around and grinned at him. _Slut,_ Darcy thought. 

“The Tower has pretty good sound proofing,” Clint said, a little helplessly.

“Clint, I don’t mean to be - but have you ever had a dog?” Steve asked.

“Not really, no...we had some strays, around the circus, that I would feed - yeah, no. You?” 

“Not really,” Steve admitted, and that was going to have to be their angle, Darcy decided - you couldn’t deny Captain America a dog, could you? They could get it a little matching cowl and outfit, and there would be no way that anyone could turn either of them out. 

Darcy reached over and pet Butters, who turned to her with her tongue hanging out of the corner of her mouth. Darcy smiled at Clint, understanding the impetus for the name - she looked like she should be an impossibly elegant, snobbish, designer dog, except now her hair was all-over and her tongue was long and dangling. “We’ll have to get her food, a leash, a collar, toys...figure out if she’s crate trained and how she does her business-”

“What kinds of dogs did you have?” Steve asked, turning towards her with his own sort of dopey smile. Not even hard - if he were a dog, he would be a golden retriever, which Butters was basically a miniaturized, wiener-dog shaped version of.

“Oh, typical middle-American family,” she said, “A variety of muttley’s from the pound, a labrador, and a border collie type thing...”

“So, I figured,” Clint said, reaching for Butters - Steve reluctantly handed her back, and seemed relieved when her tale wiggled furiously when she was returned to the archer, “we just act like nothing happened, right? Like, hey, dog. So, I guess, Darcy, if you could get some of those supplies-”

“Sure,” Darcy said. “Make sure to tell Natasha that she probably won’t retrieve knives, yeah?” 

Clint nodded, then narrowed his eyes slightly. “I’ll let her know tomorrow.”

“Sure,” Darcy said.

* * *

She and Steve went out first thing in the morning and headed for the Petco on Union Square. Steve wanted to bring Butters and Darcy only vetoed it because they didn’t have a collar or leash for the dog. 

“Gosh,” Steve said. “And I thought that Whole Foods was intense. How many varieties of dog food do you need? I really hope those aren’t what I think-”

“They most definitely are!” Darcy said, grabbing one of each of the Avenger’s themed dog toys from the display as Steve sighed. “I need to make sure these are actual, licensed Avenger’s products.” She tossed in a plush miniature of Steve’s shield, a squeaky Hulk, a hammer shaped bone, and a squeaky Iron Man. 

“Such a thing exists?” Steve asked. “I mean, should we be making money-”

“Pepper made sure it all goes to charity,” Darcy said. She had to go to the other side of the display to find a plush black widow and plush hawk. “I guess these work, since they probably can’t sell mini weapons...” 

“There’s a whole aisle for dog clothes,” Steve said, in the tone that he reserved for when he was legitimately distressed by the future. 

“Yeah, people do that, now,” Darcy said. “We had this one dog who had this itchy skin problem and lost some of his hair, so my mom made it a sweater. Our rule was - dogs can be clothed only for functionality, in Rooster’s case, and for rank stupidity.” 

“Do I want to ask?”

“One of the little one’s had a Santa suit,” Darcy said. Steve shook his head at her and then reached to take her hand as they walked to pick out a dog bed.

* * *

When they got back they went to the common area where Clint and Thor were playing with Butters. “Have you met this tiny, furred creature?” Thor asked, turning to them. “It is most delightful.”

“Thor tried to throw it,” Clint said, shaking his head in such a way to indicate he didn’t think that Thor should be allowed to be alone with the dog. “So, looks like you two have moved into the nesting and/or curtain fic phase of your relationship.”

Darcy looked down at the large amount of bags in Steve’s hands and blushed. Steve merely got on the ground to receive Butters, who had hurtled over in his direction on her tiny legs. “Look!” she said, to distract that line of inquiry, “They had little Avenger’s dog toys.” 

“I can’t say I’m the least bit surprised,” Coulson said - he had recently become very good at making as little noise in the wheelchair as he presumably had when he was walking. 

“Oh, how is that, sir?” Clint asked, throwing the plush Hawk for Butters, who tore after it - her back legs seemed to respond to a different sit of stimuli than her front legs, and she slipped and skidded off after the toy.

“Strays,” Coulson said, glancing around, and then smiling. 

“Clint has named it Butters,” Thor said, “presumably for the majestic color of her soft, silken coat.” 

“Right,” Coulson said, wheeling over to Darcy and the bags of items she had purchased. “Is that a little set of stairs?” 

“The clerk at the store said they can hurt their backs jumping up and down from furniture,” Steve said. Butters was at the other end of the room, squeaking her toy. “I guess they’re not retrievers, huh?” 

“Wouldn’t appear to be,” said Tony, walking across the communal living area as he headed for the kitchen. All of them watched, silent, as he opened the fridge, pulled out some sort of food item, and then began to walk back towards the elevators. He stopped, mid-way, and then turned to look at the scene, and then the dog. “Dog,” he said. “That’s a dog.” 

“It is a dachshund,” Thor said, emphasizing the German sound of the name. He was reading from a book he had pulled out of the Petco bag called Dachshunds for Dummies.“It means badger hound, as it was apparently responsible for subduing quite fierce ground dwelling creature.” 

“Dog,” Tony said. “In my tower.”

“You don’t like dogs?” Clint asked, and he kept cocking his head in Steve’s direction.

“The plan!” Darcy hissed at Steve. They had agreed that, once Tony realized there was an actual dog in the Tower, that the separating-an-All-American-boy-from-his-dog was the way to go, and then, as a last ditch effort, indicating that Butters could be a service dog for Coulson - fetching things he dropped when he was still confined to his wheelchair, growling at subordinates, that sort of thing. “Did you know,” Darcy said to Tony, “that Captain America was never able to have a dog as a child?”

“Butters!” Steve said. “Hey, Butters! Butters!” The dog keep squeaking the toy, happily, and so Steve picked up the Iron Man squeaky and squeaked it. Butters’ bounded over and jumped to grab the plush toy. Steve held onto it and tugged, slightly, before scooping Butters into his arms as the dog chewed on the Iron Man. 

“There hasn’t always been a dog in my tower,” Tony said. “And you named it Butters?” 

“It is a most fitting name for such a creature,” Thor said, and as far as Darcy was concerned, his enthusiasm was a huge added bonus - everyone knew that Thor was Tony’s favorite amongst the Avenger’s if one precluded sexual relations from the inquiry field - “For she melts one heart as butter does-”

“Is there a whole poem? Because that’s OK, big guy - is that a little Iron Man?” Tony sighed, exasperated. 

“I had to buy them all to make sure they fall under the ambit of our licensure agreement,” Darcy said, quickly. 

“Barton, where have you been all day - oh,” Natasha said, lurking in the doorway. “Did we already make the comment about picking up strays?” Coulson turned, gave her a tight smile, and nodded. “Good,” she said, crossing her arms and looking at the dog with concern. 

“Not technically a stray,” Clint said. “I didn’t want to leave her for some-”

“The dog belonged to your mark?” Tony asked, and he waved his hands slightly - which meant that the situation was elevating and heading towards hysteria. Darcy wondered if it was appropriate to walk over to the bar and pour him some alcohol. “And you thought, hey, I know what to do, let’s bring it back-”

“Well, what should I have done with it?” Clint asked.

“Oh, I don’t know - SPCA-”

“You would have sent her to the pound?” Steve asked, and he gripped Butters under her front legs and dangled her in front of Tony so that her back legs hung and dangled pathetically. “Look at her pink naked belly!” 

Tony face palmed, and when he removed his hand he realized he was the only person not in favor of the dog. “Oh, come on, Coulson, you can’t be in favor - I mean, we can’t even take care of ourselves, let alone be responsible enough for a pet!”

“Pets are known to have calming effects,” Coulson said. “And they increase empathy and life span.” 

“I bet you had a lot of dogs as a child, didn’t you?” Tony asked.

“Oh, is this what it’s about?” Clint asked. “You’re just acting out because no one got you a puppy for Christmas? Well, no one got me one, either, well - that one year, the bear gave birth and Barney tried to pretend it was - but! That’s not the point...”

“They bark, and shit, and eat, and...I own this place!” Tony said. “I bet if you all look at your, um, I don’t suppose Pepper made any of you sign lease agreements?” 

“That would imply we were paying to live here,” Natasha said, and Clint immediately made a cutting motion across his throat. Natasha frowned, realizing her mistake.

“Good point, Red, I’ll take that up with the lawyers.” Tony said. “Hey, you can’t want to keep the dog, right?”

“Meh,” Natasha said. “If everyone else likes it...” Tony flapped his hands a little more intensely, and Darcy went and took the dog from Steve and carried it over to Tony.

“Look into her big, brown eyes, Mr. Stark,” Darcy said, and, just in case, she thrust her own breasts forward for emphasis - they’d never really failed her in the past. “And you tell her that she can’t stay here after Clint rescued her from her big, bad, human trafficking-”

“That’s some real historical revisionism, there,” Tony said, backing away from the dog. “And, no, I don’t want to touch it! I don’t know if anyone mentioned this to you, but-”

“Stark doesn’t like being handed things,” Coulson said, rolling up next to Darcy. She deposited the dog in his lap where he scratched behind her ears.

“If she’s Coulson’s therapy dog you legally can’t prohibit her-” Clint blurted out, presumably at the threat of lawyers.

“Oh, God,” Tony said, reaching for some hand sanitizer and rubbing it all over his hands.

“Oh, oh, is that a little puppy?” came a soft voice, and everyone turned to see Bruce in the doorway, making a decidedly different flailing hands gesture in the direction of the dog - Darcy tended to make them when confronted with a pair of shoes she particularly wanted, and called them grabby hands. “Oh, look at you, you’re so soft, aren’t you? What’s your name, sweetheart?”

“Butters,” Darcy, Steve, Thor, and Clint said in unison. Clint was grinning broadly at Tony, and it was all teeth. 

“Butters!” Bruce said, and the dog wagged its tail at him.

“You like dogs?” Tony asked, looking as though he had caught whiff of a rotting corpse.

“Yeah,” Bruce said. “I had one in Brazil, when I was there for awhile...but then I, um, had to run off really quick when Ross got wind of me being there...but I’m sure my neighbor took care of him.” Darcy was willing to bet she wasn’t the only one who was widening her eyes at Tony in an effort to emulate an anime character. Butters, doing her part, allowed Bruce to scoop her into her arms and began to eagerly lick his face.

“And, behold, Bruce!” Thor said, “The dog has a small, squeaking effigy of you on which to express her love!” He tossed the squeaking plush Hulk at Bruce, who caught it in one hand and smiled at it.

“Aw,” Bruce said, and then dangled the Hulk in front of Butters. “You like the Big Green guy, little girl? You have to be careful, though, you’re so small - but don’t worry, he likes dogs...”

“I’ll be in my lab, if anyone cares? Clearly not, don’t worry, it’s not like I’ll never, ever be able to leave now that you’ve all-” Tony shook his head at them all with disdain, picked up the food he had gone into the kitchen for, and walked towards the lab.

* * * *

Darcy wasn’t sure when Tony added _Official Avengers Compromise #6_ to the marker board in his shaky handwriting. She held an eraser over it, debating whether it was a good idea or not - after all, it was his Tower, and there was more than a hint of aggression in the phrasing. 

On the other hand, the hyper-organized part of her was sort of twitching at having two different kinds of handwriting on the marker board - not to mention that Tony had chosen red for his rule, in comparison to her green and blue color scheme. She took a sip of her coffee and quickly erased the rule, then exhaled.

It was, she thought, necessary - hopefully Tony would just notice that she rewrote it and not see that she had made a slight change in its wording:

_Official Avengers Compromise #6 - all further pets must be cleared with the management. Even though you lot live here, it does mean you get to make these kinds of decisions._

She took a step back and smiled when she stepped on a squeaking toy of some sort. Judging from the amount of small dog toys that had come into the Tower over the past few days, she and Steve weren’t the only ones who were subject to jokes about nesting, settling down, hormones, or biological clocks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Butters, the dog, is named for Butters, from South Park (as a child, I was definitely Butters. He is my favorite animated character, ever)


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry it took so long to get this updated, especially with the dog related cliffhanger. I've been knee deep in my Big Bang, which rapidly grew out of control, and...anyway. Back to the id fic, which I certainly need after all of that. 
> 
> Thanks, as always, for reading and commenting!

Darcy only noticed Clint’s approach because Butters was trotting beside him. She was sitting at the large dining room table, cross-checking SHIELD incident reports so that Coulson didn’t experience any minor heart palpitations from improperly filed paperwork. “Sooo...” Clint said, and she turned and pushed her glasses up. “Turns out - Stark actually doesn’t like dogs.”

“Well, duh,” Darcy replied. It was very likely that, over the past two days, only Bruce had seen him. 

“No, I mean, he doesn’t _like_ them,” Clint said. “Pepper said something about him refusing to stay at her parent’s house one time because they had a dog, and she’s amazed that he hasn’t flown off to Malibu or something since Butters arrived or evicted us all.” 

“Oh,” Darcy said. “You mean...he’s not just being Tony about not having control over the situation or actually being a cat person.” 

“I know,” Clint said, and he scooped Butters up. “But it is his Tower, and he really doesn’t like them - I know, Butters, I don’t understand it, either - but Pepper said she’d take her.” 

Darcy widened her eyes - sure, they’d only had the dog for two days, but it had seemed as thought it had always been here, as though she’d never had a problem with Clint sneaking up on her.

“I was just letting everyone know,” Clint said, and he frowned at Butters. “Hopefully we can all get some kind of visitation rights.”

“Does Pepper even have time for a dog?” Darcy asked, and part of her was considering volunteering to move out - she was paid enough, and barely had any expenses - and especially now that she was dating Mr. Understands Feminism From WIkipedia and Natasha and Has Decided His Insistence on Paying for Everything is Not Related and is Just What Nice Guys Do. 

Clint shrugged. “She doesn’t work in the Tower, anymore, so I presumed she could take Butters to work - you can be a corporate puppy, can’t you? Pepper can get you your own designer carrying case?” 

“You’re giving the dog to Pepper?” Both of them turned to see Bruce in the doorway, dark circles beginning to form under his eyes. Darcy was surprised that he didn’t seem relieved.

“Yeah, I ran into her this morning and she could not believe Tony allowed Butters to get within one hundred meters of him, let alone-”

“Yeah,” Bruce said, ruffling his hair. “But...maybe hold off on making that concrete? I think I’ve just about cracked him?” 

Clint and Darcy looked at each other, and then cocked their heads at Bruce at the same time. Bruce shrugged. “I really like dogs,” he said, “And I’ve ascertained that Tony’s feelings aren’t related to some kind of traumatic experience, like a dog biting him...but are actually-” he lowered his voice, “-more related to his issues with Howard.”

“Oh,” Clint said, and he smiled at Butters. “So you think his desire to please you andcontinuetohavesex will lead him to confront his daddy issues and allow us to keep the dog?”

“Uh...” Bruce said, “I wouldn’t withhold-” he coughed, and then shook his head and padded off to wherever he was going.

“There’s hope for you yet!” Clint said, and he grabbed both of Butters’ paws and raised them in the air to approximate a sort of _yay!_ waving gesture. “Daddy will be happy, won’t he?”

After realizing that he wasn’t referring to himself in the third person, Darcy calmly picked up her stapler, reattached several wayward pages, and said, without looking at Clint, “I’m just going to assume it’s for the best if I pretend not to have heard that.”

“Heard what?” Clint asked, and Darcy nodded.

“You know, you guys get up to some wacky stuff over at SHIELD,” she said. She waved two linked reports - an incident report, detailing the why the kitchen was short by almost a hundred pounds of baking soda, sugar, and corn starch and another detailing several work places injuries that resulted from chemical burns. Darcy had been instructed to never question the coding on SHIELD paperwork, as it was apparently above her pay grade. “If only there was food coloring listed I could just assume everyone was building volcanos.” 

Clint leaned over and looked at the reports, and then shrugged. “I don’t do paperwork,” he said. “Oh, which reminds me-”

Darcy closed her eyes - this had been an on-going battle over the past two weeks, and while there was part of her that knew that it was wrong not to acquiesce to the requests of someone who could pick her off from very, very far away or kill her with her bare hands, Coulson had told her to stand firm on these things. “I’m not supposed to be doing your SHIELD paperwork-”

“You’re our assistant,” Clint said.

“Avengers assistant, not SHIELD liason,” she replied.

“But SHIELD pays you.” 

“As part of the Avengers Initiative, ergo, I am a member of it, and just as Steve isn’t a SHIELD agent-”

Clint furrowed his brow, huffed a sigh, and then looked at Butters. “I know, she’s not very nice...” He put the dog on the ground. “Time to go to the gym - she’s starting to get the hang of the tread mill.” Darcy winced, not entirely sure if it was an appropriate activity for a dog with such short hind quarters, but she wasn’t going to disabuse Clint of that notion.

* * *

She, and probably everyone else, knew that a crowd was counter-productive, but it was hard to stay away from the event that would determine the fate of the Tower pet - though everyone was, like Darcy, claiming to be there in an effort to apologize and show support for Tony.

Tony had his arms crossed and was staring at Butters, who was in Bruce’s arms. “You know, when I agreed to this-”

“For science,” Bruce said, in the variation on his soothing tone that he exclusively used for Tony.

“For science,” Tony said, “I didn’t imagine there would be an audience.”

“Are you not comforted by our presence?” Thor asked, and Tony shook his head. “What if the beast attacks?” 

“What, bites his ankles?” Steve asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Dachshunds are actually known for that behavior, Steve,” Tony said. “You would know that, if you read _Dachshunds for Dummies-_ ” he waved his hand at the book on the coffee table, “-but, noo, you’ve been too busy buying it outfits-”

“That was all Darcy,” Steve replied.

“I know I should protest but, yeah, it totally was me,” Darcy said. How was she supposed to resist the dog Halloween costumes? Not to mention Clint’s revelation had prevented her from unveiling the dog-sized Captain America outfit that had arrived from Amazon.

“They’re here for support, Tony,” Bruce said. “As your friends.” Tony rolled his eyes.

“Let’s get this over with so I can evict the little fur ball,” Tony said. It was Bruce’s turn to roll his eyes.

“Sit down on the floor,” he said, and he ran his fingers through Butters’ ears. “Good. Now you’re less intimidating, since you’re at her level-”

“Weren’t you already?” Clint asked. 

“Really? You’re going to be the one who goes there-”

“It’s precisely why I can go there,” Clint said, crossing his arms over his chest and grinning.

“Can we focus?” Bruce asked. “This is supposed to be a supportive environment...” He looked around at all of them. “Good.”

“I was thinking about leaving, just then,” Natasha said. “But I didn’t know if it would have been funny.” 

“It would have,” Steve and Clint said, simultaneously, which was the sort of concurrence Darcy had never expected to hear.

Bruce ignored this. “OK, now I’m going to get down and release Butters, and you’re going to hold out your hand, with your palm up.”

“What if it bites me? It was a hitman dog-”

“She won’t bite you,” Bruce said, though Darcy caught him briefly giving the dog an admonishing look, if that was possible. Darcy knew what he was thinking - she hadn’t bit anyone, yet, including when Fury had come by to talk to Coulson.

Butters tottered over to Tony, clearly intrigued by the one person that she had so far failed to win over with the combination of her soft fur and loving nature that Darcy, at least, was beginning to realize was the product of her not being all that bright - there were plenty of improper jokes and characterizations she could ascribe to the dog if she was less considerate of things like political correctness. Or ableism, or whatever they were calling it these days.

Butters sniffed Tony’s hand and then looked up at him. “OK, now give her the treat...”

“You let him hold the treats..?” Steve asked, furrowing his brow.

“What if he poisoned them?” Clint asked, taking a step towards the dog.

“Really?” Tony asked, reaching into his pocket. “You think I want to break Captain America like that?” He glanced off to the side, clearly considering the scenario for the first time. It was these sorts of incidents that reminded Darcy how thin the line was between genius billionaire playboy philanthropist and evil genius.

“Hold the treat in the palm of your hand,” Bruce said, though Butters had already grown excited by the scent. Tony sighed and did as he was told, and the dog eagerly ate the treat.

There was a moment of quiet, where it was clear that everyone understood the profound implication of what was about to happen.

Butters wagged her tail vigorously and met Tony’s eyes. She tottered closer to him. “Why is she doing that with her tail?” Tony asked.

“She likes you,” Bruce said. 

“She just likes that I gave her a treat,” Tony replied. “She’ll loose interest in a second, watch-”

Instead, Butters jumped into his lap and then quickly put her paws on Tony’s chest, perfectly on either side of the arc reactor. She met his eyes and then leaned in and eagerly began to lick his face.

Darcy heard Steve exhale. Tony stretched his arms out, clearly concerned, and said, “Whoa, dog! Bruce! What do I do?”

“Hold her?” Bruce said. “She’s sort of slipping...”

Tony put a hand on her back and used his other to push her legs back into his lap - the dog was so focused on her newest, bestest friend she had forgot that there were other necessary things to consider to maintain her physical safety. “Is she trying to soften me up, or something?”

“She likes you,” Bruce replied, and he walked over and sat down next to Tony, smiling softly. It occurred to Darcy that now, or sometime soon, it was going to be necessary for everyone to leave so that the science boyfriends could share _a moment_ together. She glanced over at Steve, who nodded.

“Just like that?” Tony asked. “Dude. I just gave you a treat.” Butters wagged her tail harder and nuzzled Tony’s face before setting her head down on his shoulder.

“You really never had a pet as a child, did you?” Steve asked.

“No,” Tony replied, looking at Bruce instead of Steve. “Are you kidding? My parents could barely remember to feed, bathe, and walk me, let alone...” 

Darcy touched Steve’s arm, and he nodded. Using some of his innate leadership characteristics - _and, fuck, high school students across the country were soon going to have to write essays on those, weren’t they?_ she thought - he got the others to leave the room along with them.

“I think that went very well,” Thor said. “The beast seemed to know the stakes of this meeting.”

“See,” Clint said, looking at Natasha. “I told you that she wasn’t stupid.”

“Oh, that’s good,” Darcy said. “I mean, I’m glad I’m not the only one who thinks that-”

“One, she’s a dog,” Steve said. “Two, she’s just been through some...relocation, and-”

“Are you accusing me of traumatizing the dog?” Clint asked, and Natasha put her arm across his chest and shook her head.

“I’m sorry, Captain,” she said, voice demure, “Clint’s been experiencing a lot of things called emotions since the dog arrived, even before the complications...” She stopped when Steve turned his head, and it took Darcy a moment to recognize the sound that Steve’s super-hearing most have allowed him to pick up first - laughter. Almost...giggles, and they were coming from Tony Stark. 

Darcy grinned, and Steve began to walk down the hallway again. “Oh, come on!” Darcy said. “I think it’s safe to assume it’s from the dog, not some tickle fight-”

“Oh, no,” Steve said.

“This from the guy who was about to get a blow job on that couch,” Clint said. Darcy closed her eyes. Despite her best efforts, Steve was never going to agree to do anything like that ever, ever again. They were probably going to have to always draw the blinds. And go under the covers. She glared at Clint, who grinned back at her.

* * *

The rest of the day featured a limited amount of productivity on the part of everyone, even Coulson - Darcy was, at first, surprised to find out that he didn’t do a good job of covering up the fact that he was looking up dog related things on the Internet. Then she realized Coulson was normally productive and probably didn’t even have his personal e-mail up at work and was, therefore, he was completely unaware of how to bullshit productivity. _Probably the first and only thing I will be able to teach Phil Coulson about,_ she thought, and frowned. There might be something else. Like boondagle. He didn’t really seem like the type of person who went to sleep away summer camp.

“He’s doing it on purpose, you know,” Clint said, slumped over on the couch, throwing a ball against the wall and catching it while Darcy and Coulson sat with their computers in front of them. “Because he can.”

“Of course he is,” Coulson replied, not looking up. “You would know.”

Clint turned and furrowed his brow. Darcy glanced between them, wondering if this meant it was time for her to close her Macbook and let them have their little lover’s spat - because, even if they weren’t fucking, this was what it clearly was - in peace. Then Clint grinned at Coulson and shrugged his shoulders.

“Steve needed a puppy, Coulson,” Clint said. “It’s Steeeeeeve. Captain America, you know-” he met Darcy’s eyes and grinned, then turned and went back to throwing his ball at the wall.

Darcy wasn’t sure how to feel about this, considering she had also decided that Steve really did need a puppy - just like, sometimes, Thor really looked like he needed a hug. He probably gave really great hugs, too, so long as remembered that Midgardians were much more fragile than his normal recipients. 

They all stopped wasting time when a loud barking sound came from the living area, stopped, and then started again. There were four or five distinct periods of repetitive barking before Clint sat up. “What is he doing to her - just because he doesn’t want her doesn’t mean-”

“What if he and Bruce are having sex?” 

“What kind of pervert has sex in front of a dog?” Clint asked. Darcy decided it was better to not answer this question, and followed Clint and Coulson to the living area.

The barking grew more incessant as they walked, and by the time they got there Steve and Natasha had arrived as well. Tony was seated in front of the couch, grinning, while Bruce sat on the couch behind him with his legs framing Tony. Butters was in front of Tony, sitting very politely, clearly waiting for something. “Look! I taught Tesla a trick.” 

“Tesla?” Clint asked. “But we-”

“My Tower, I get proprietary naming rights to any new occupants,” Tony said. “Besides, she responds better to it. Doesn’t she, Bruce?”

“Seems to,” Bruce said, turning and raising his eyebrows at all of them.

“She must, uh, really like it,” Coulson said, scratching at the back of hisf neck. 

“What’s the trick?” Darcy asked. 

“OK, watch,” Tony said. “Tesla! High five!” The dog reached up one of her stumpy legs, not really visible in all of her blonde fluff, and obediently smacked her paw onto Tony’s hand.

“Don’t most dogs-” Steve began, and Darcy kicked him lightly in the shin and shook her head.

“That’s very impressive,” Clint said. “A high fiving dog. Wow.” 

“You’re just jealous,” Tony said, and leaned down to look at the dog. “He thinks you like him best because he found you first, but that’s not the case, is it?” 

“How did you accomplish that in such a short period of time?” Natasha asked, though it had actually been two hours.

“Well, it’s a lot like programming Dummy and You was, you have to first identify the behavior you want and then figure out what subroutine-”

“Sir, four new life forms have appeared in the Tower.” Butters - Tesla, Darcy corrected herself - barked. Not that she would ever say it - even if Clint wasn’t present, it would probably get back to him, since it seemed to be aside from Superheroing the Avengers really excelled at gossiping - but Tesla was a pretty badass name.

“Do you think that means she’s almost as smart as JARVIS, in terms of her alert functions?” Tony asked, looking up at Bruce, and it was really cute to see him like this - probably as cute as she was ever going to see Tony being. It was tinged with a bit of melancholy, though, a forty-somethingingish man shouldn’t be experiencing the joys of pet ownership for the first time.

“Aren’t we concerned about the four lifeforms..?” Steve asked, looking around. Apparently two week’s worth of false, science related alarms had lured everyone but Natasha into complacency. She had pulled a gun out of somewhere. Her ability to do this made Darcy wonder if she had a hollowed out arm, or thigh, or something. 

“Master Thor has indicated they are his friends.” 

“Oh, no,” Darcy said, and she glanced at Coulson - though he had missed most of that, she realized. 

“Oh, no?” Steve asked, glancing at her. Darcy widened her eyes and nodded and Tony scooped up Tesla and held her against his chest. The dog laid her head against the arc reactor and stared towards the room’s entry, ready to meet the challenge that lay ahead.

“Robin Hood, Jackie Chan, Xena and Santa Claus, presumably?” Clint asked, grinning at her slightly - Ceiling Clint knew all.

“Teammates! Avengers!” Thor boomed, entering the room with the Warriors Three, the Lady Sif, and a sort of embarrassed looking Jane trailing behind him. “We have been greeted with an unsolicited visit by my dear Asgardian friends, who have arrived as a gift from my father to celebrate one of our many festivals-”

“Are those casks of mead?” Clint asked, and he waved a hand at Natasha, who rolled her eyes and put away her gun. 

“We had been warned of the paucity in strength of your Midgardian beverages,” said the one that Darcy had named, in her head, Errol Flynn. He and Santa Claus - Darcy had come up with that one, too - set down two massive casks of Asgardian mead. 

In response to this, Tony furrowed his brow, apparently taking this as a challenge.

“These are the Warriors Three!” Thor said and then, realizing that this didn’t mean anything to any of them, “Fandral, Hogun, and Volstagg, and this is the Lady Sif.” Sif arched an eyebrow and appeared to be appraising the various men in the room. Darcy reached for Steve’s hand and he took it, though he gave her a slightly confused look. She was glad to see it wasn’t just her - Bruce, in addition to dangling his legs around Tony, placed a hand on his shoulder.

“And these are the Avengers, Midgard’s Mightiest Heroes, and their friends, whom I have told you about,” Thor said. “The Man of Iron, who flew the weapon of grave destruction into the void of space.” Tony waved at them. 

“Bruce Banner, in whom dwells the great beserker, the Hulk.” Bruce winced.

“Hawkeye, the greatest Marksmen in this realm-”

“Yo,” said Clint. “Nice to be back in Midgard?” 

“And next to him, the Black Widow, the Lady Natasha, both cunning and strong - she was the one to outwit Loki, and next to her, Agent Coulson, a great hero, who stood up to my brother alone...” Thor had his brow furrowed as he said this, and Natasha and Coulson gave polite but terse smiles.

Lastly, Captain Steve Rogers, our leader and one of Midgard’s Greatest Heroes-” Steve looked embarrassed, “-and Darcy Lewis, who you met on your previous trip to Midgard.” Darcy pouted - didn’t her taser skills deserve mentioning? 

“Indeed,” Fandral said, smiling at her in a way that could only be described as lascivious. It was Steve’s turn to squeeze Darcy’s hand. He leaned in, and she already knew where this was going, and she shook her head.

“What sort of celebration is this?” Natasha asked.

“We could tell you the story, but you would be most bored,” Fandral said.

“Would take too long to get the food,” Volstagg added. “And the mead.” 

“Suffice it to say, it is a great feast in honor of one of our ancestors,” the Lady Sif said. 

“I thought your rainbow bridge was broken...” Steve said. “And that Thor only came last time-”

“Ah, but my father now possesses the Tesseract,” Thor said, “which is how I was able to travel back here after...” he glanced down at the floor and there was one of those moments when Thor needed a hug. Darcy smiled when Jane came up to his side and put her hand in his back. 

“Do they eat as much as you do?” Tony asked.

“Mostly,” said Thor, “though Volstagg has been known to put away a whole-”

“Right,” Tony interrupted, “Good thing Dominick owes me some favors. Come on, Tesla, we’ve got to go and order some pizza.” Tony set the dog down, untangled himself from Bruce, and stood up. Darcy was sure she wasn’t the only person who watched, pleased and a little surprised, as Tesla trotted after Tony and out of the room. 

“Soo...” Bruce said. “We can keep her, is the good news. But I’m not sure Tony really needs more minions.” 

“That is an awful lot of mead,” Steve said, apparently having done the calculations and come to very unsatisfactory conclusions.

“We were told one of you had a capacity to match our own,” Volstagg said, slapping his stomach. Hogun made some sort of noncommital noise, like he wasn’t totally convinced of this. 

“Perhaps even better,” Thor said. “I have become drunk on a copious amount of Midgardian spirits, yet Steve did not even become merry.” 

All of the other Asgardians eyed Steve with interest, and he gave them one of his nervous grins. 

Jane smiled at Thor and Company - that would be an excellent band name, Darcy thought, and filed it away - moved over to talk to Darcy and Steve. “He’s been sort of sad, lately, I think this feast reminds him of Loki for some reason, so it’s probably why...”

Darcy closed her eyes and inhaled, knowing that there was no way this night would end well - fuck, they’d be lucky to get out of it with minor-to-moderate damage to property, egos, and emotional well-being.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize it's been so long - and I hadn't realized it had been, until I looked at the date on this! But I got subsumed by my marvel bang, and then avengersfest, and then school hit. But I've made it a priority to finish this fic up within the next week (there are two more planned chapters).
> 
> Thanks to everyone who is still reading. I know I've been pokey.

“Well,” Clint said, eyeing the casks of mead. “Man up, let’s do this, all of that.” Clint crossed his arms and grinned.

Fandral eyed him with some interest, and then smiled back. “Thor was right - you are a tiny people, and I wonder if you would even have the capacity-”

“Really?” Clint said. “That’s how you’re going to play it? So obvious - I’m not going to get tricked in trying to out drink you and wind up pregnant.” 

“Pregnant?” Fandral asked.

“I was under the impression it was something that happened, on Asgard,” Clint said, with a slight grin. Everyone was quiet, for a moment, likely recalling their Norse mythology and trying to determine how much had come from the actual Asgardians. Thor had a tense smile, and then Sif laughed.

“We shall have to correct your misconceptions, archer,” she said. “Fandral, stop being such a bore and open the mead! Let us celebrate our new friendships.” 

“You have a bad feeling about this, right?” Steve asked Darcy. 

“Very,” Darcy said. “And I definitely don’t want to wind up pregnant.” Steve nodded, and Darcy decided it would be best not to interrogate whatever else was behind his look.

Natasha, ever prescient, went to the bar and got some pilsner glasses and waited, patiently holding hers, while Volstagg opened the mead. Not surprisingly, he crouched under it and opened the tap directly into his mouth. He swallowed in big, slurping gulps and seemed inordinently pleased with himself when he pulled his mouth away and burped.

“We have those too,” Darcy said. “But they’re called keg stands.” Her smile faltered when a revelation hit her - and really, she should have seen it before. Asgard was basically a giant fraternity party. Instead of beer, there was mead, and instead of cock rock, there was epic poetry and possibly ballads. Suddenly, Loki and Thor’s relationship made a bit more sense. 

“Then come, Lady Darcy, and show me this keg stand!” Volstagg boomed, and Fandral raised his eyebrows at her in a suggestive manner.

This likely made Steve say, in her ear, “You don’t have-”

“Would love to, St. Nick, but your cask isn’t made for that sort of thing.” She gave an exaggerated frown and shrugged her shoulders. Bruce and Clint laughed. 

“I know not who this St. Nick is..." Volstagg said, and stoked his beard. Thor was smiling, and then turned his face serious and shook his head. "Well, Lady Darcy, then I shall challenge you another way-”

“We’ll race,” Darcy said, and Steve huffed behind her but Darcy shrugged her shoulders and almost, almost stuck her tongue out at him. _Whatever_ , she thought, _not like Peggy Carter was the paradigm of femininity and virtue._ She half filled two glasses with mead and passed the other to Volstagg, grinning. Sure, he might be a warrior glutton, but she was willing to bet that flip cup and boat races weren’t included in most Asgardian celebrations. 

Darcy inhaled. “One, two, three-”

Just as she predicted, Volstagg appeared confused, and so Darcy took advantage and put the cup to her lips and immediately began to down it. The mead was less fizzy than beer, making it more dangerous and much easier to go down. She glanced over out of the corner of her mouth as Volstagg struggled, the mead sloshing around his face.

Darcy set her glass down on the table. “Lewis out,” she said, and grinned at Steve, who seemed confused, a little concerned, and also curious.

“Nice,” Clint said. 

“Another formidable skill, Lady Darcy!” Thor said, clapping her on the shoulder. “It is no wonder you have been tapped to fulfill the role of the Son of Coul.”

“Uh-” Darcy said, because it totally was not like that-

“Flip cup? Or boat races?” Jane asked, and there was a wicked little grin in her eye - and all Darcy could think was, _Jane Foster, I never._ But it was always the little ones. “I, um, was a cox-”

“A cock?” Fandral asked. “Were you rooster, or member?” He and Volstagg laughed.

“Coxswain,” Jane said, giving him a condescending smile. 

“You sat in front of the boat and yelled at people,” Tony said, having returned with Tesla in his arms. “Big people. That’s a great way to spend your morning.” 

“What is this flip cup?” Sif asked, having consumed a glass of mead while all of the conversation went on. “Is this some game we might engage in?” 

Later, everyone would claim that it was Darcy’s fault - that she was one that started it, by challenging Volstagg and setting the stage for the drinking game. But that wasn’t fair. They were Thor’s friends, who had showed up to cheer Thor up, and they were the ones that brought all the mead.

“So, we’ve got, what - you three, Lady Sif, and Thor, that’s five for Asgard...” Jane said, in her authoritative voice, and finding out that she had coxed completely explained where that had come from. “And since we’re but mere mortals, we can all switch off - so me, Darcy, uh, Steve, Clint, and Tony to start.”

Tony glanced down at Tesla and whispered something in her ear, then passed her off to Bruce as he went over to the bar. She looked at Tony and wagged her tail. Bruce picked up a squeaky Hulk toy and threw it for her. Of course, Tony had red plastic cups in his bar.

“But I don’t know how this works-” Steve said, as Darcy took him by the arm and took him over the table that Natasha and Clint were moving into the middle of the room. 

“It’s easy,” Darcy said. “You just drink the drink, as fast as you can, and then you set it down upside down, on the rim, like this. Then you use your finger to flip it rightside up. Then the next person goes...and someone wins.” She smiled at him, and was beginning to feel giddy and a little silly, which probably wasn’t a good sign and indicated she should slow down, switch to water - but when, under these circumstances, did good ideas prevail?

“I believe we should water down your mead,” Thor said to the other side of the table, but mostly to Jane. She was bouncing on her heels, clearly excited to be relieving her undergraduate glory days - Darcy tried to imagine her, attending parties and working on her physics homework while she waited for her boat race. Had Jane Foster been cool...sort of quirky cool, maybe? It made Darcy feel a little uncomfortable because it did comport with how she had previously characterized her.

“I agree,” said Fandral, hand on his hip. “It is not our intention to do ill to your human friends. Quite the contrary!” 

“Save you, Steven, and you, Bruce, when it is your time to play,” Thor added, with a wide grin. 

“Someone should point out that this is all a bad idea,” Steve said, glancing around, and then he sighed when no one replied. 

“Just chug the mead, Rogers. When was the last time a bunch of space aliens turned up with magical free alcohol?” Tony asked, and he punched Steve lightly in the arm. Steve glanced down and looked concerned. “JARVIS, put on some appropriate music...” 

“I shall just make a playlist from your normal selections,” JARVIS said.

Four of the Asgardians glanced around, Sif reaching for some weapon she had stashed in her...outfit? Costume? “There is no need to be alarmed, friends,” Thor said. “JARVIS is Tony Stark’s invisible manservant.” He gave Tony a wink, which amused Tony greatly - apparently he had yet to be included in Thor’s trolling efforts. 

“Natasha, you count down,” Clint said, and Natasha rolled her eyes and walked over. Behind her, Bruce was chasing Tesla around as she squeaked the Hulk in her mouth, refusing to hand it over to him. “Looks like she’s not a retriever, Doc.” 

“I taught Dummy to make coffee,” Tony said, attempting to stare down Hogun and failing, blinking first. Hogun grunted. “I can teach Tesla to retrieve. Are we going to do this, or what?” 

“Ready?” Natasha asked, voice emotionless, and she counted down for them. 

After two rounds, Darcy tapped Natasha in and then stumbled after Tesla for a little bit and then collapsed with the dog and Bruce on the couch. Bruce was unusually comfortable, and she was glad Steve didn’t notice since he was completely focused on the competition. No one was surprised when he figured out the trick to flipping the cup the first time - compared to what he could do with his shield, this was an elementary motor skill.

Jane tapped Bruce in after another round, and at that point things were tied since the Asgardians had begun to figure out how to manipulate the cups. Bruce proved to be a master, since there were few things he could not do well, and the Midgardians became a formidable force with his powers combined with Steve's. “Look at your daddies playing drinking games,” Darcy said to Tesla, holding the dog in front of her face so her long body dangled near Darcy’s lap. She turned the dog around and used one of its paws to wave. “Say hello, Drunk Daddies!” 

“I can’t believe that I’m the one who found - no, rescued! - the dog,” Clint said, “and I end up having to be an uncle.”

“Uncles are better,” Jane said. “All the fun, none of the shit. Literally.”

“Lewis, get back in here,” Clint said.

Darcy was saved by the arrival of the pizza. She grabbed a few slices of pizza for herself and did her very best not to pay attention to the rampant consumption by drunk men and drunk alien men. Steve settled down next to her with a mountain of pizza stacked on a plate. “Hey,” he said, and then pat her head. “Hey, gorgeous,” he added.

It took her a moment - because she was drunk, herself - to realize there was something a little different about the the broad smile on his face and the open, wide way he was staring at her with apparent joy. “Captain Rogers,” she said, “are you...drunk?”

“Um...yes, yes, I think I may just be,” Steve said. He leaned over and kissed her cheek. Darcy looked around the room and wondered if anyone else knew what she knew. She met Natasha’s eyes and raised her eyebrows - and, hey, even Natasha seemed to be a little...loose. Were Darcy not completely drunk, in the good, sweet, excited kind of way, she would have recognized this as the portent that it was. “This is...” Steve considered, and he furrowed his brow, legitimately deep in thought, “It has been a long time, and I used to be, you know, Bucky said, one beer queer, which wasn’t very nice, but it was true. I was very, very small.” He frowned at this. 

“I know,” Darcy said, and then stumbled, because Steve seemed a little stricken - _poor baby,_ she thought, and she’d spent some time thinking about the adventures of Tiny Steve, getting beat up in the various back alleys of Brooklyn because he’d decide, despite his minute stature and poor health, that he was going to stick up for himself. “You were hot, then, you know.” 

Steve blushed, and Darcy leaned into him and sighed. “Well, wish I’d known you back then...not a lot of dames, I mean girls, I mean women...oh, man, I thought Fandral would stop staring at your br- uh, chest when it was clear-”

“When you marked your territory?” Darcy asked, and smiled.

“Well, yes, sort of, I mean, no, I mean, damnit, I’m...” Steve frowned and Darcy just grinned harder and shook her head at him. “Anyway, he still is.”

“Well, you know Thor, I’m sure since he’s the prince most of Asgard is similar, so...maybe he’s thinking, threesome?” 

“Oh,” Steve said, and pressed his lips together, and Darcy could devour him. “Wait. Thor is into threesomes?” 

Before Darcy could answer - because, hell, Thor had told her and Jane all about his wacky sex adventures, so it wasn’t like...and wait, Darcy thought, because this had been before Steve, had Thor been trying to get her to have a threesome with Jane? - and before she could complete that thought, Sif spoke up, “Your drinking game is entertaining but I fear that I grow tired with my team,” she narrowed her eyes at Fandral and Volstagg, who was basically inhaling pizza. “Perhaps we could arrange for a different combination?” 

“What did you have in mind?” Thor asked. 

Sif gave a slight shrug, as though she was attempting to be coy. “Perhaps we could play with the men versus the women, and separate the warriors from the boys.” 

_Oh no,_ Darcy thought, but the men thought that this would be a splendid idea until someone realized that it meant they would have to tap in and tap out, or the women would have to drink double. A debate erupted as to how a fair division would work.

“Pepper!” Tony shouted, and everyone else stopped talking. 

“Because she’d want to get involved,” Darcy said. 

“Ms. Lewis, seriously?” Tony asked, shaking his head. “Pepper went to Penn State. But we’d still need one person-”

“I will,” Bruce said, and Tony narrowed his eyes at him. “Oh, I’m sorry, did I just ruin your plan for the next ten minutes? You were going to make jokes about Clint’s pink shirts, right?”

 “Like I said, Stark, one, it’s because I mixed red and white together-” Clint said, crossing his arms.

“Initially,” Natasha added.

“Thank you, Natasha. And then I discovered that it really complements my coloring.” 

“Your coloring?”

“I’m a winter,” Clint said. Natasha closed her eyes and grinned. “What? Someone needed to learn how to do all the makeup for our various disguises when we were...” he shook his head while the Midgardian Avengers and Thor, who may or may not have understood, laughed - and, if Thor didn’t, he obviously wanted to impress upon the Asgardians he had integrated into Midgard. Meanwhile, Darcy could tell she wasn’t the only woman in the room thinking, _Note to self - get Clint to take me to Sephora,_ because she’d seen photos of some of the makeup they used for SHIELD missions.

“OK, so, Bruce, you’re an honorary woman for the night. Let’s do this,” Tony said, clapping his hands together. 

“I didn’t know you liked this sort of thing,” Darcy said, looking up at Pepper as they stood next to each other at the table. She had arrived in short order, having been in the Tower to sort out some legal issues with the staff earlier.

Pepper shrugged. “I take advantage of any opportunity I get to show Tony Stark he isn’t great at everything.” 

“I’m sorry, Pepper, what was that?” Tony asked. Pepper just grinned at him. “You think you’ll beat us?” Pepper shrugged. “You want to make it interesting?” 

“Oh, what’s the fun in that?” Clint asked. “There’s no point in betting with you.”

“Not money,” Tony said. 

_Oh, no,_ Darcy thought. 

She didn’t need to worry, though, because it seemed that her team all had similar priorities - the desire not to take off an article of their own clothing while simultaneously desiring to get most of the members of the other team to do the same, for aesthetic reasons. 

“You want to keep going, boys?” Natasha asked, arching an eyebrow as all of the other team faced them in their underwear, or, in the case of the Asgardians, their tights. 

“What did I tell you?” Thor said, as Fandral admired his boxer briefs, “the Midgardians have a much better approach to undergarments.” 

“I vote for clothes,” Clint said, unfortunately standing between Steve and Thor - not that Clint had anything to be ashamed about, it was just on a bit of a smaller scale. And there were the scars, but they were kind of...well, Darcy knew she shouldn’t find that sort of thing sexy.

Darcy was badly drunk, by that point - and she really should have moved into the stage where she was a little woozy and the room began to spin, but apparently Asgardian ale prevented against that. She glanced over at the casket when she realized this. She could take a little bit, give it to Jane or Bruce or Tony, they could patent it and make a fortune! Except they didn’t really need to make another fortune - well, they could donate all of it. Or just do it for the good of people kind.

But she wasn’t so badly drunk that she didn’t make two important observations, only one that she acted on. The one she didn’t act on happened almost as soon as the men admitted defeat. “Well played!” Sif said, and put her hand on Natasha’s shoulder. “The view was most interesting, wouldn’t you say? Though there are other visages I would find more enjoyable.” 

“Oh?” Natasha said, voice cool despite how drunk she might be. “Would you like to see the city? The view from the balcony is quite good.” 

“Aye,” said Sif. “Thor often speaks of the wonders of this New York.” 

No one else seemed to notice this - or they knew better than to notice it, because Natasha was insanely private, which was probably why she flirted so much with Clint in public. _Oh, shit_ Darcy thought, because she had just figured it out, even though she was being sarcastic. _Drunk genius!_

The action she took was minimal, but critical, because she approached Pepper as she stood talking with Clint. “Pepper,” Darcy said, interrupting, but it was important. “Pepper, I realized something and I think you’re the only person that can help.”

“Yes?” Pepper said, and she was smiling, which was good - Darcy hadn’t really seen her interact with Tony, since the break-up, and especially since Tony had taken up with Bruce. Well, since Darcy had got Tony to hook up with Bruce, but hopefully Pepper didn’t know about that or didn’t hold it against her. 

“You know about this, because you went to Penn State, but...tomorrow morning, we’re going to need brunch. Drunk brunch! Lots and lots of waffles.”

Pepper cocked her head and for a moment it looked like she thought Darcy was completely ridiculous - Darcy knew that look, that was for sure. Then she smiled. “Yes, of course we do,” she said, and she pulled her phone out of her pocket. “I’ll see what I can do.” 

“That’s so great! I mean, I could ask Coulson, but I think he’s having a bad day, and - but...you won’t be here, so that’s not very nice, asking-”

“I will be, though,” Pepper said. “There are several suites for guests.” She gave a half smile. “Where did you think we were going to put them?” Volstagg and Fandral were deep in discussion - likely over the lack of women available for sex, especially since one of them had run off with the only woman they had brought. Hogun, as far as Darcy could tell, hot not uttered a sentence all night. He had merely sworn when one of his teammates had difficulty or they lost. 

“Right, right,” Darcy said. “OK. Well. There will be waffles!”

“Yes,” Pepper said, and at some point she must have made eyes at Steve, indicating he needed to take her off to bed. Too bad for Pepper that Steve proved to be even more intoxicated than Darcy. 

“Hello, Miss Potts. I mean, Ms. Potts. I mean - what is your first name, anyway?” he asked, big smile on his all-American face, and Pepper shook her head for a moment.

“Maybe you two should go get some water,” she said. “And some more pizza.”

“You drank ginger ale, didn’t you?” Darcy asked, narrowing her eyes. Pepper smiled.

“With some of the mead,” Pepper said. “But someone needs to make sure no one fills off the balcony or sets the place on fire.”

“Well played,” Steve said, nodding his head. “Usually I do that.”

“I know, Captain,” Pepper said, voice full of authority. Steve straightened his posture and nodded at her. “But everyone deserves a night off, now and again.” 

“Yes, ma’am,” Steve said.

“Steeeeve!” Tony said, upside down on the couch with his feet over the top, Tesla in his lap, and if a dog could look concerned, she looked concerned. “The super-alien-gods are making fun of my wiener!” 

“It is very small,” Fandral said.

"It's locks are nearly as lustrous as your own, Fandral!" Volstagg said, and Thor laughed from a nearby couch as Jane slept with her head in his lap.

Steve shook his head.

“Steeeve!” Tony said. “We’ve never played before when you’re drunk!” 

“You know,” Pepper said, and there was some sadness in her eyes, “I haven’t seen him this...happy and drunk in some time.” 

“Oh,” Darcy said, and then realized that Steve had answered Tony’s second request, and she nodded in his direction and tottered off before things got more serious.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> apologies for taking so long with this - and for finishing it with a short chapter! I was stuck for a long time on how to end things, and I appreciate everyone who's been reading and commenting...

_Official Avengers Compromise #7 - if visitors are likely to lead to a drunken orgy, at least one day’s notice should be given._

“There was an orgy?” Steve asked, when they were all together for dinner a few nights later. 

“Aw, man,” Clint said, glancing over at Coulson, who just shook his head. He’d recently been upgraded to a walker. When she was kicked out of the lab during science sessions that could possibly result in her harm, Tesla had taken to riding on the bench of the walker. It was supposed to be for Coulson to sit down on if he became out of breath. Darcy suspected that Clint was the one who had covered it in one of the many soft, fleece dog blankets now laying around - since whoever did it was conscious of Phil’s dignity and had chosen a soft blue with white dog bones.

“I cannot prove nor disprove there was an orgy,” Tony said, setting his glass down, “since so many of you saw fit to get JARVIS to erase things on the evening in question.”

“Sir, you did instruct me to follow such requests if I was certain that the erasure would have no future security implications for the comfort of fellow residents-”

Darcy glanced at Steve, who blushed. Drunk Steve had been both adorable and frisky and, with lowered inhibitions, had said quite naughty things to her while they fucked - and, apologies to Captain America, but what had happened was definitely fucking. Then he fell asleep with her breasts as a pillow and the most contented smile she had ever seen on a single human being’s face.

She told Thor that he might need to ensure there was a regular supply of Asgardian mead from then on, and Thor had agreed. _There are many reasons a man may seek to drink,_ he said, with his sage, understanding nod, _far from it that I deny Steven the ability to appease these urges. Though I hope you understand, Lady Darcy, there are some reasons not connected to mirth?_ She did, indeed, and there was a part of her that thought that Steve might benefit from a bit of drunken therapy, since he certainly didn’t want to talk about any of the issues he was dealing with - well, outside of adjusting to modern society, but even that had subsided.

“I am well aware of that, but really, J, if there had been an orgy and you erased it? I don’t know, we might need to do some reprogramming.” 

“I know for certain that the Lady Natasha had a rousing evening with the Lady Sif,” Thor said, and crossed his arms and grinned at Natasha.

She arched her eyebrows and speared an asparagus into her mouth. “Really, how, because the Lady Natasha saw fit to remove her exploits-” Tony began.

“When I strode out that morning seeking to assuage my head ache with what the Lady Jane termed the hair of the dog-” Thor furrowed his brow, “-I discovered them nude and suckling one another over yonder.”

“Dear God, suckling?” Clint asked. 

"Well, there's another couch to burn," Tony muttered.

"Honestly," Bruce said. "Just use some Febreeze and Lysol." 

“It’s accurate,” Natasha replied. Clint made a grumpy sound. 

“It hardly qualifies as an orgy, though,” Darcy replied. She glanced around, wondering if she was going to be proven wrong. Bruce shook his head and Tony frowned at him, and Thor glanced over at Jane, who raised her eyebrows and turned a little bit red. “Wait... _you_ had the orgy?” Jane looked at Thor, who crossed his arms over his chest.

“I cannot answer that question, for I do not know the definition of the _orgy_ ,” Thor said.

“As it pertains to this instance, Merriam Websters defines orgy as a ‘drunken revelry’ or ‘excessive indulgence in something especially to satisfy an inordinate appetite or craving,” Jarvis said. 

"Well, then drunken would be superflous-" Bruce began, mostly to himself, it seemed, since Tony had leaned forward and was staring at Jane with his mouth agape.

“Oh, well! Then that definitely happened,” Jane said. “And pertains to the compromise, there. So.” Darcy felt a little bit bad for her but then, on the other hand, if she was having alien-god group sex, Darcy wanted to know. Though she doubted Steve would really want to get involved, but maybe she could just start with watching and-

“But, according to Wikipedia, the modern usage is ‘a sex party where guests freely engage in open and unrestrained sexual activity or group sex,” Jarvis intoned. “So the answer to your question, Master Thor, would depend on what usage was intended.” 

“Definitely the sex one,” Tony said. “Though the drunken revelry also applies. Both are difficult to clean up after. Especially after Volstagg decided there needed to be games of strength.” 

“I would like to point out that everyone should stop complaining about tranquilizing arrows, because that prevented a whole lot of destruction-” Clint interjected. Jane smiled at him. 

“In that case,” Thor said, and Jane put her head on her shoulder and looked like she just wanted to melt into him - and, really, if you were going to have group sex while in a communal living situation, you really had to accept that it was going to come up, Darcy thought, “then perhaps an orgy may have happened. It depends on the numbers.” 

“Five makes an orgy,” Natasha said, with a very slight, sly smile on her face. Darcy glanced around the room to see the different faces everyone had as they tried to work out the permutations. All Darcy knew was that it wasn’t her, Steve, Bruce, or Tony - which left an awful lot of possibilities. Even though Clint was trying to appear surprised and appalled, Darcy knew never to trust him.

“I thought as much,” Thor said, and was running his fingers through Jane’s hair, “and while I appreciate your concerns, Tony, is such a thing really so taboo on earth? In Asgard, even while we are in a relationship with a single individual, there is much opportunity for-”

“Yeah, but we don’t have thousands of years to fuck,” Darcy said.

“Aye,” said Thor. “But still, do you not find yourself bored-”

“Fuck off, Barton,” Natasha hissed, and a little too loud - it was clear she didn’t want to draw attention to herself, though Clint was giving her an assassin’s version of an Indian burn. 

“I cannot believe you had group sex with Thor-” 

“I don’t believe I said that-”

“I thought you were suckling Sif?” Tony asked, leaning forward. Darcy looked over Steve, whose eyes were wide, but more in the valiant leader sense - it was clear he was looking for ways to diffuse the situation.

“I don’t think it’s really anyone’s business,” Steve said, and all heads turned towards him since he was using what Darcy called his Captain’s voice. “So long as it was all consensual.”

“Verily,” said Thor, with a wide grin on his face. 

“Was there a reason you wanted one day’s notice?” Steve asked Tony. “Was it for the clean-up?”

“Well, it’s always nice to be prepared for guests,” Tony said.

“Oh, God,” Bruce murmured, and scooped Tesla up in his lap. The dog grinned. 

“Fine,” said Steve. “So, even though we are in a communal setting, there is a certain expectation of privacy, even for...drunken orgies.” 

“Was it Robin Hood?” Clint asked, and Natasha looked like she was considering all the various ways she knew of to get him to stop talking. “This isn’t fair, Coulson, she’s _not_ telling-” 

“And you think I will get it out of her?” Coulson asked, arching an eyebrow. Clint actually pouted.

“Besides,” Steve said, “Bruce prepared this lovely meal for us, and it’s getting cold. And I should make a Hulk pun, about that, but I’m just not good with that.” Bruce smiled at him. 

* * *

“I think you handled that well,” Darcy said, when they were in Steve’s living room and looking through Tony’s media selection to find a movie to watch. After that dinner discussion, everyone seemed to have decided it would be best to retreat to their own quarters for the rest of the evening.

“Well, thanks,” Steve said. “I guess. I never thought, you know, I would have to give a talk about-” 

“I would think, you know, war going on and all, there would be some orgies...” Darcy said, arching an eyebrow.

“Maybe when we were on leave, but, honestly, the tents were pretty small-” Steve said, and then said, “Can we do a comedy?”

“Absolutely,” Darcy said, and clicked the remote. “We can watch The Apartment - that’s an older comedy, have you seen it?”

“I don’t think so...” Steve said, and furrowed his brow. “Even if I have, if it’s funny...” He smiled at her and kissed her forehead. 

Darcy queued the movie, but she could tell that Steve was thinking about something. She waited, hand over the remote to start once he was ready.

Then he said, “It was that quiet one, wasn’t it? Hogun?”

“Oh,” Darcy said. “You think? Because he was...”

“Darcy,” said Steve, his voice serious, intent on imparting a very important lesson on her, “It’s always the quiet ones.”

“Is that so?” she asked, and grinned at him, and he grinned back.


End file.
